One Year Later
by Latenightmom
Summary: This story takes place one year to the day from Will's death. What starts out as a hard day for Alicia will turn into one where a close friend has something for her that belonged to Will. That something will change things forever. It will allow for the honest conversation Will and Alicia needed to have, to actually take place.
1. Chapter 1

It was early morning, and quite cold out. Alicia had just had one of the longest nights of her life, again. There had only been two other nights she could recall that had been so long, so draining, so maddening. The first night had been nearly 7 years earlier. Alicia had sat in her home in Highland Park for hours watching the news crews on her front lawn. Hours spent late into the night, trying to consul and comfort her children after the scandal with Peter had come out. 

The second had been four and a half years ago, the night of the States Attorney election. Peter had slept with her best friend. She again spent hours packing up his things, finding an apartment for him. The night she separated from him. Now the third longest night, yes she thought, even longer than the one she had exactly one year ago. _How could he? What was he thinking? _There was no turning back, and no way to hide this for long. He had really done it this time.

Peter had come to the apartment to "explain", with Eli of course to start the damage control. _Eli, boy the one constant the past 6 years._ They had argued, and yelled at one another for what seemed like an eternity, and then he had left. Left her alone to stir, and cry, and not sleep the whole night. _How long before the press will be on the doorstep, at home and at work?_ The phone would be ringing off the hook. Instead of getting the "Hey isn't she the Governors wife?" looks, she would be getting the same looks she got 7 years ago. The, "How could you stay with him?" looks. There would be the whispering as she passed people, quieted to almost nothing when she got close. _They thought I couldn't hear, didn't notice. _At least there wouldn't be any of that at the office this time, at least she hoped.

Still deep in thought she didn't see the eyes watching a small distance away. _He is the Governor, what was he thinking? How will I tell the kids, again? How will this affect the firm? How could he do that to Cary, and Diane, he knows this will affect them too?_ And to top it all off it had been one year, one long year to the day. This had been the day one year ago her whole world had been flipped upside down. The day the love of her life had died. She hadn't realized it until then. She hadn't let herself acknowledge it before then. She loved Will, she really did. She never said it out loud, and she never had a chance to tell him, but that day she knew she had always loved him. She had moved on over the year, it had not been easy. Life seemed to spin all around her for months, but she had made it through. The firm was doing well. She thought things had been fine. She thought she had finally found some peace with Will being dead, but now, she was angry. Angry at Peter, and angry at herself for not savoring, and appreciating all the moments with Will, all the looks, all the...

"Can you believe it's been a whole year?" Alicia looked up a bit surprised, and saw Diane walking toward her. 

Diane had been standing there at a distance for a few minutes before saying anything. She thought she would be the only who would come see the grave that early in the morning. Kurt was out of town, and it seemed like the thing the do before she headed off to the office, on the one year anniversary. She hadn't expected to see Alicia, despite the date, Alicia had a really big trial she was finishing up today, and would likely win!

She would have made herself known sooner, but something stopped her. There was something about seeing Alicia there that made her stop. Alicia looked so, she didn't know what. In a way she didn't want to disturb Alicia's thoughts. She could tell she was very deep in thought. She figured Alicia was probably thinking about Will. She and Alicia had become quite close over the past year, even more so the past 6 months since she had joined Alicia's firm. Alicia and Cary's firm, she chuckled to herself. Boy if anyone would have told her 7 years ago that the women who had shown up at SLG late for her first staff meeting on her first day of work; and as she had stated to Will was, "a junior associate who doesn't think she's a junior associate," would be such a close friend, not to mention that Stern, Lockhart and Gardner would be no more, she would have laughed in their face. But she had come to really respect Alicia. Yes, she had lost her chance at becoming a judge the day Alicia was "fired" from LG. But she hadn't wanted to vote Alicia out. She didn't think that Will would react the way he did. Yes, she was protecting the firm by voting with everyone else, but she didn't like how it was "handled".

Like she told Alicia after he died, he was running a million miles an hour, and Will had been upset with her just a few weeks before he found out about Alicia. It made sense, both of the women he probably cared most about n the world, other than his mother, and sisters, were both leaving him to run the firm on his own. She knew how he had felt about Alicia, and she knew that was part of why he reacted the way he did. She new even more after going through work files on Will's laptop after he died, and had found a file titled Miss Georgetown. After she had opened it, and realized it was a journal he had written about him and Alicia, she closed it. She had saved it to a thumb drive, and deleted it off his computer. She didn't know if there would ever be a good time to give it to Alicia, or if it would ever be read, the whole "bad timing" thing seemed to still linger even with him gone, but she kept it just in case. She just wished the two of them could have mended the fences a bit more before he died. She knew Alicia felt guilty. She told Alicia one year ago that she couldn't blame herself, but she knew Alicia had never really put that one to rest. They had never talked about it after that day. Whenever they had discussed Will after that day it was all happy memories, but it always seemed like Alicia wanted to say more, wanted to ask more, wanted someone to tell her it was alright.

She had seen Alicia improve. It took time, but one day she had been up against Alicia in court, after Alicia had been "sic" for a few days, and it had seemed like she had started to breath again. She started fighting for her clients again, Alicia had seemed to be happier over the next months, and now she figured Alicia had probably put most of it to rest. But standing there watching her she looked like she was about to break, yes that was it, she could finally put a word to it, broken. Maybe Alicia had not put as much of it to rest as everyone thought. At that moment, it looked like touching Alicia would cause her to dissolve into dust and just slip away in the wind. But as soon as she stepped closer, and spoke, Alicia looked up at her, and the image was gone. Once again looking at her was the strong, confident, put together Alicia who looked her in the eye, smiled, and responded ,

"No, I can't." 

"You know Alicia we should have done this later in the day when it wasn't so cold out!"

"Yes, but we won't have time, with the trial against Canning. I think we are going to win this one, finally."

They had been working on this case for five months. It had gone on, and on, hours of depositions, all to no avail. They ended up going to trial anyway. There had been some discussion as to whether Louis Canning would live to see the end of the trial. His health had gone downhill quickly, but he still put on a pretty good show in the court room. Today they might actually win. And the reward would be very good. With any luck it would be one of their biggest wins of the year. Will would have loved seeing Canning go down!

"Are you ready to take Canning down today?"

"You have no idea! Kalinda found one more damaging piece of evidence late last night. It will be the final nail in the..."

They both stood there for a minute both thinking of Will.

"I know we are going to toast to him this afternoon with everyone, but Alicia, Kurt is out of town, why don't you come to my place for dinner tonight. It would be nice to spend some time with someone who loved him as much as I did. And quite frankly I'd rather not spend the evening alone thinking about him."

Alicia thought only for a brief moment.

"Ok, I accept, Peter is in Springfield, and Grace is still on her school trip to D.C."

Not to mention she wanted nothing more than a distraction from last night. Somehow she yearned for someone to talk too, she just needed to talk, which was not like her. She had perfected over time the Alicia front, but the more she thought about it she really needed to talk to get all of this out into the open, she needed to so she could really move on. But it needed to be someone she trusted, and respected. Someone she knew would keep her secrets, someone who would always be objective, but also be a comfort. Diane. That was a great idea. And for now she felt a bit better. 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thanks so much to those who have reviewed. Parts of episodes 2/6, and 2/20 are referred to in this chapter. Please let me know what you think!**

**Chapter 2**

**The Big Win**

"Objection your honor, Mr. Canning is testifying." Alicia says exasperated. She has had enough of his Shana gins, and she knows Kalinda is on her way with the evidence she needs to put this case to rest.

"Sustained, Mr. Canning you are walking a very fine line here."

"Your honor I am just trying to show that Mr. Debry has no knowledge as to the whereabouts of the companies missing funds. Mrs. Sabey the deceased partner to Mr. Debry was the one moving all of the business funds. And as we can all see through the evidence that has been presented, Mr. Debry's company is going bankrupt. Even if Mrs. Florick wins this class action suit there won't be anything left to divvy out to her clients. The company is going bankrupt. Your honor my client is not responsible."

"So just what should our clients tell the IRS then, Mr. Canning?" Alicia says with just as much gumption as she has used with the past five objections in the past twenty minutes.

"That they will happily pay their overdue taxes from the past 4 years, because your clients company stole their hard earned income, and didn't pay my clients taxes? Your honor the IRS has given no leeway to our clients. Our clients are not rich. Some of them are small business owners who trusted Mr. Debry's company to take care of their payrolls, and pay their taxes. Someone has to be held accountable."

"What is she doing?" Cary whispers quietly to Diane who is sitting next to him at the defense table.

"She's winning!"

"Yeah, but this is more than trying to win. I haven't seen fire in her like this very often. Do you think it's because of today?"

"No, actually, I don't. Alicia always fights hard, but there have been very few times when she gets under the skin of apposing council like this. I think it has to do with the Governor."

"The Governor?" Cary looks completely confused.

Diane thinks to herself of one other time she saw Alicia fight like this. It was the day after the State's Attorney's election. She thought Alicia was all fired up due to her husbands win, but then as the next few months played out…. _It all makes sense now. I knew she had separated from Peter, but I figured they had separated a few months after the election. I thought it was all because of Will. Another thing I feel guilty about from three and half years ago. It wasn't wrong in retrospect, but it wasn't smart, just like I told Will. But what could have happened that would make her separate from Peter the night he wins an election? And… hum…I wonder if she has again? That's got to be why she looked so upset earlier this morning. _

Diane turns to Cary, "I think she separated from Peter."

"What? Why?"

"Because the last time I saw Alicia fight like this, was 3 years ago after she separated from Peter. And you didn't see her this morning at Will's grave site."

Kalinda walks into the courtroom, and hands Alicia a file..

"Your honor we ask that all charges against Mr. Debry be dropped. There is clearly not enough evidence to prove my client knew about the missing funds." Louis Canning says.

"Your honor we have some new evidence that has been brought to our attention, we would like to present." Alicia says as she hands Mr. Canning, and the judge a copy of the forms Kalinda just handed her.

Louis Canning takes one look at the papers, and says, "your honor we would like to ask for a brief recess to consult with apposing council."

"Yes, Mr. Canning I'm sure you would! We will recess until Monday morning, assuming we need to after you talk with Mrs. Florick." The judge bangs his gavel, and Canning walks right over to the defense table.

"$35 Million."

"No, Mr. Canning." Alicia says. Diane, and Cary look at her as though she's crazy not to accept, and are about to over rule her, but then she says,

"Let me refresh your memory with a case we had against you a few years ago. You told me in confidence that you had won, that your clients wanted to get us down to $50 million, and you had talked us down to $35. So no, Mr. Canning. I can see the $30 million dollar sum on that paper in front of you from an offshore bank account linked through fifteen different channels directly to your client. But I'm willing to bet there is more money in another off shore account somewhere. So we will take $50 million, and settle. Or we can have Kalinda spend the weekend finding the other off shore accounts your client likely has, and meet you here Monday morning." Alicia says with that smirky tilt of the head and smile she reserves for clients like Colin Sweeney, and enemies like Canning!

"Ok, $50 million." Canning says looking very resigned.

"Great! It's always a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Canning! Oh, and I will mark that down as another win for us, against you!"

Back at the office everyone is celebrating! After their clients get paid, the sum the firm will take in is huge.

Cary walks over to Kalinda. "Hey, nice job finding that evidence Kalinda!"

"Yeah, does that mean I get a raise Cary?" She says with a smile. Half joking, half not.

"Let me talk to Alicia and Diane!"

Alicia's phone keeps vibrating. She pulls it out of her purse, and looks at the screen. Two text message from Eli, one from Peter. Four missed calls. Two from Peter, two from Eli. Alicia reads the first message from Eli.

_We need to meet. We have to make a plan. _

Alicia lets out a big sigh, which Diane notices. Alicia then texts Eli back.

_Not today Eli. _

Alicia, then puts her phone back into her purse where she can ignore it, at least for a little while. _Make a plan? Peter should have thought about that before he.. The last thing I want to do today is to sit down with Eli and make a plan. I am so tired. Yes, I should be, I was up all night. Coffee, maybe coffee can get me through the rest of the day. No, it will take something stronger, much stronger. _

Alicia notices the clock on the wall of the conference room. It's almost time. The time Will was shot, and killed one year ago. The time they had all planned on toasting Will this year.

She then looks around. After Diane had joined the firm they had found some new office space in the loop. It was nice. She, Diane, and Cary, all had corner offices. They were hoping to get the floor just below them in the upcoming year so they could expand. It was still open like their warehouse office had been, but with more walls, for a little more privacy, lots of glass just like there had been at LG. Alicia smiles to herself. _This is nice, who would have thought we would be here a year ago. Certainly not me! Definitely not Diane!_

As Alicia is thinking to herself, Cary and Diane come in with the wine, and wine glasses. At the same time Eli and Peter are in the elevator on their way up to make a plan with Alicia.


	3. The Toast

**A/N Thank you again, for the nice reviews. Let me know what you think after this chapter. **

**Chapter 3**

**A Toast**

It was time, time for the toast. No one really knew what to say. Finally Alicia said, "To Will". "To Will" everyone in the room including, Kalinda, Cary, Robin, Diane, and Clark held up their glasses. They all stood there for a few moments sipping, in silence.

Everyone sat back down, and finally Diane spoke up.

"You know one of the things I miss the most? I miss looking out across the desk in my office, to his, and watching him work, seeing the wheels turning. He was such a good lawyer. That and dancing with him after a big win! He was such a great dancer! Such a good friend."

Heads nod in agreement.

Kalinda speaks up next. "I miss sitting in a bar after work chatting with him, and watching all of the "normal" people around us, wilst making jokes about them. Also his trust. He was always asking me if he could trust me. Not because he thought I was betraying him, but because he liked to know I had his back."

Nods and smiles again.

Then Cary went. "I miss going up against him in court!"

Everyone looks a bit surprised.

"Oh really," Diane says with a smile, and raised eyebrow.

"Hey, you have to remember I spent most of the five and half years I knew him, arguing against him on the opposite side. It was so maddening, yet awe inspiring to argue against him. He really was a great lawyer!"

A few others share their thoughts. Then Cary says,

"Hey Alicia, what do you miss most about Will?"

But Alicia wasn't listening, she was lost in thought.

"Alicia,"

"Huh, what?" Alicia looks up from her glass.

"What do you miss about Will?" Cary asks again.

Alicia gets a big smile on her face, then answers.

"I miss seeing his name pop up on my phone, causing me to have to decide whether or no to answer it!" She says with great joking emphasis.

Everyone laughs. Then Alicia stands up from her chair.

"And with that I am going back to my office. I have a meeting at three I need to prepare for."

As Alicia leaves the conference room, Diane and Cary look at each other with a knowing glance. Alicia is not ok. She's putting up the "Alicia" front. They both saw the pain in her eyes when she looked up from her glass.

As Alicia walks back to her office she thinks to herself. _What do I miss about Will, Cary? What kind of question is that? I miss everything. _But as she turns the corner to enter her office she is jolted out of thought when she sees Peter and Eli sitting on her couch.

Not even looking at Peter she says,

"Eli I thought I told you not today."

"Alicia we were already on our way over when I got your text."

"Well we are not doing this today. I have an important client meeting at three, and I have important work to do until then." Her voice is starting to rise.

Peter cuts in, "Oh yeah, important work like toasting Will?"

"How dare you." Alicia stands up from her desk and glares at Peter.

"I think I will leave you two alone for a few minutes." Eli says as he gets up, and leaves the office, shutting the door behind him. He sits in the chair just outside Alicia's office.

About ten minutes later Kalinda comes by. She has some files to give to Alicia. She slows down when she sees a clearly heated discussion between Alicia and Peter going on in Alicia's office. She stands and watches for a few seconds before Eli says with that smile that everyone knows he uses when he isn't going to give out any real information.

"Just a little spirited discussion between a husband and wife!"

"uh huh, give these to Alicia when she is done with her "spirited" discussion Eli." Kalinda hands the files to Eli, and walks off knowing something is up. _Alicia would never loose her cool like that at work when anyone walking by could observe it, unless something was really wrong._

A few minutes later Alicia opens the door to her office.

"Get out of my office Peter."

Alicia walks back to her desk turning to the big windows and waits for Peter to leave. Peter walks out and heads down the hall towards the elevator. Eli walks into her office, and says,

"Kalinda left these with me for you."

Alicia is still standing turned away from him staring out the window.

"Alicia, is there anything I can do?"

Silence

"Ok, I will just leave these on your desk." Then he turns to leave.

"Eli"

Alicia says almost in a whisper. Eli turns back towards her. Alicia is still turned away from him.

"Eli, I am going to divorce Peter. So you are going to have to decide how you think we should handle all of this."

"Ok, give me the weekend." Eli doesn't put up much of a fight. He was pretty sure this would happen after he found out about Peter's latest issue.

"And Eli, thank you."

"For what?"

"For always being there. For always looking at both sides of "our" issues. For being there to help Peter win the State's attorneys office. For not pushing me, or the kids to do interviews. For not pushing me to reconcile with Peter when we separated the first time. For being delicate in asking about the affair I had with Will, after it had ended. For handling Jackie. For taking your business to Lockhart Gardner, allowing me to grow even though I hated the idea! For helping Peter get elected as Governor. For being there a year ago when I found out about Will. For making me stop and think a year ago, even if it was just for a moment when I separated from Peter that maybe Peter did love me, and maybe that I did still love him. Oh I don't know Eli, for everything. You have been there through thick and thin. So thank you."

"You're welcome. Alicia there is something I need to tell you." She still hadn't turned around to look at him.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but please know that at the time I thought it was best. I thought it was… Ok, I was trying to protect Peter, and get him elected. But I was trying to protect you too. Now after all that has happened, I just thought you should know. Especially since I think you need to hear what Will said."

Alicia turns to Eli and sits down at her desk.

"What Will said?"

"Yes. The night that Peter announced he was running for State's Attorney I took your phone from you. Do you remember?"

"Yes, Eli how could you? That voice message was private. You listened to it didn't you?"

"You know about the deleted voice message?"

"Yes I know. We were working on a case that involved wire taps, and there was a wire tap with Will discussing the voice mail. But I never found out what the second message said. The wire tap had been cut off while Will was discussing it with our client. When I asked Will about it, he lied to me. Well at least I am pretty sure he lied to me about it. Wait a minute, you knew there was more than one voice message? How do you know it was deleted?"

Alicia is starting to look upset, she's putting it all together in her head.

"So you know there were two messages, but you don't know what one of them said?"

"Yes."

"Alicia, I deleted the second message after I listened to it. But please, before you kick me out of your office hear me out. I know it was wrong, but you need to know what Will said. I don't remember his exact words, but I do remember the pertinent part. He said, "My plan is I love you. I've probably loved you ever since Georgetown."

Alicia turned back towards the window.

"Alicia, Will loved you. I don't know if he ever told you, and if he did maybe it doesn't matter. But if he didn't, you need to know he did."

Eli stood up and walked towards the door. In almost a whisper he says,

"Alicia, I am really very sorry, about everything."

Eli leaves Alicia's office. That is when it hits her. It's too much. So much pain and heart ache she can barely breath. So much she just sits, staring out the window. She can't move. She doesn't want to. And the really scary thing She thinks, is that she doesn't care about anything now, not anymore.


	4. Hitting Rock Botton

**A/N I am so thankful for all of your reviews. They kept me going while writing this chapter. Warning this chapter is really heartbreaking, and was hard to write. I hope I did the scene justice. I promise for those of you hoping for more Will and Alicia, and Alicia and Diane scenes, the next two chapters should satisfy, and after this chapter things will start to get happy. This had been one chapter, but I broke it up into two. If you really want to get into the mood of this scene listen to "Alicia Alone" from TGW soundtrack by David Buckley. That whole soundtrack is amazing. And I still don't own The Good Wife, or the characters. **

**Chapter 4**

**Hitting Rock Bottom**

_How can I just sit here? I need to do something. I have work… Work I have a client in less than two hours. I don't care. It hurts to much, and I can barely breathe. Will, Will I am so sorry. I just want him back. Just want to see him one more time. Oh, I loved the smell of his cologne. I Just want one more chance to explain, and make things right. Just one more chance to tell him how I feel, and to let him say… I never let him say it. He tried numerous times. He asked several times while we were together if we should, could, talk about it. I always said no. Why? He even tried at Georgetown, I was young, and naïve, and I had a plan back then, and no man was getting in the way. But I let Peter get in the way. Why didn't I let Will get in the way? Because I've always had a plan. My whole life has been going from one plan to the next. We hadn't planned on Zach. Zach, and Grace, I love them so much. I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are so strong, so independent, and so intelligentt. Just like me! Will had tried to talk about it numerous times during and after the affair. I never let him. I was too scared of what would happen if he said it out loud. "We always have options Alicia" He had once said. Yes, we did but there were always too many complications. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? _

_This would have been easier if Peter would have never gotten out of prison. There never would have been campaigns, and elections, and the press, I could have divorced Peter without it making the news. I could have just been a private citizen. Not a public figure. Would I have divorced Peter if he were still in prison? Always the good wife, I was a good wife. A really good wife! I had loved Peter. But I had also loved Will. I didn't even know it for sure until he was gone. Well I didn't let myself believe it. _

_Snap out of this Alicia, you have to get back to work. No, I can't. I don't want too. For once in my life I am not following the plan. Will I am so sorry._

Alicia continues to sit motionless, facing the beautiful view in her office. Flashes of all the moments with Will keep playing over and over in her mind. She hasn't heard her phone ring several times, and she doesn't hear her assistant walk in and tell her that her three o'clock appointment is waiting for her in the conference room.

"Alicia… Alicia, did you hear me?" Her assistant walks back out of Alicia's office, and heads straight to Diane's.

In Diane's office she and Cary are going over a case they are working on together. Alicia's assistant knocks on the door. They both look up from their work.

"Cary, Diane, Alicia's three o'clock is here, but well she, Alicia."

Just then Kalinda walks in.

"Hey you guys need to come to Alicia's office."

Cary and Diane both look at the assistant, and Kalinda, and are immediately concerned.

"Why is something wrong with Alicia?" Diane queries.

Kalinda speaks first.

"Look, I have been past Alicia's office a half dozen times the past hour and half, and she hasn't moved. I just went in to give her some information on her next client, but she won't turn around, and she won't respond to any of my questions. You guys need to come now."

Cary and Diane look at each other not knowing exactly how to react, but they know if Kalinda is concerned they need to do something. Kalinda speaks up again.

"About two hours ago Peter was here with Eli. Alicia and Peter were having a very heated argument. And you know as well as I do that Alicia doesn't mix work with personal. So it must be bad if she was willing to be so exposed like that at work."

Diane thinks to herself, _Peter here, Alicia told me Peter was in Springfield? What is going on?_

"This day has probably been hard for her, maybe you should send her home."

Diane and Cary stand up.

"Kalinda go tell Alicia's client it will just be a few minutes." Diane says. Then she and Cary walk down the hall and around the corner to Alicia's office. They stand at the door for a minute watching her before they enter.

"Alicia…"

"Alicia…"

They both try, but no response. Cary whispers to Diane.

"What do you think? She looks so…"

"Broken" Diane says. She saw this Alicia earlier, only this was ten times more heartbreaking.

"Yeah, that is a good word for it."

Cary and Diane walk into Alicia's office. Cary goes and kneels down next to Alicia, facing her, and Diane stands next to her with her arm around her shoulder. The stillness of Alicia's body, and blank look on her face is devastating, and scary. They have never seen her like this. Not even close.

Cary speaks first, almost in a whisper.

"Alicia… Alicia," he puts his hand on her arm, thinking this might get some sort of response. Kalinda walks back into the office. The three of them look at each other not really sure what to do. Should they call 911? Should they leave her alone?

Alicia is vaguely aware that Cary and Diane are next to her, but the hurt the pain, she doesn't know if she can pull out of this. She tries hard to concentrate on what Cary is saying.

"Alicia you need to talk to us. Just say yes, or no, or something. Say.. something Alicia." Cary is almost pleading, but continues with that quiet calm concerned voice. "We know this is hard for you. We know you miss Will, but Alicia you are so strong. He wouldn't want you to give up. Alicia, help us out here. We want to help you, but we need to know what to do. We need some sort of response. You can take the rest of the day off, the next week off. Go home, just relax. I am going to call Owen to come and get you."

"No, please don't call Owen." Alicia answers quietly, pulling herself out of her thoughts, and looking at him. "Please Cary, its ok."

Diane speaks up. "Cary, why don't you go and meet with Alicia's client. I think I can take over from here."

Cary stands up reluctantly, but he knows Diane is right. He knows Alicia and Diane have a good relationship, and they don't want to loose this client. So he walks out of Alicia's office with Kalinda, and they head towards the conference room.

"Alicia, what can I do?"

"Nothing, no one can do anything." Alicia sighs as she says it. "I have to work through this myself. Everything started spinning again today. Well last night. I just need some sleep. I promise I'll be up and running Monday morning. "

"Have you and Peter separated again?"

Alicia chuckles a little, and responds in a tired voice. "Peter and I separated last year a few days after Will's funeral."

Diane is a little shocked. Alicia had kept this one very quiet. No one knew, at least she didn't think anyone knew, or even suspected. She and Peter had played that very well.

"Really? Ok then."

"Diane I need you to draw up divorce papers for me."

Alicia stands up from her desk, and pulls her bag over her shoulder.

"You're divorcing Peter?"

"Yes" Alicia starts to walk to the door, but then she stops, she doesn't turn around.

"Diane, I am so sorry for crumbling your world last year, and his. I had no right to.." Diane cuts her off.

"Alicia, don't. I know why you did it, and I'm over it. I forgave you a long time ago, and it isn't your fault Peter took the judgeship away."

Alicia turns and looks at Diane, and in a quiet voice says, "Yes, and I appreciate that, But I will never have the chance to tell Will."

She turns around towards the door again. Diane speaks up again, this time with a bit more bluntness than she'd meant, but still very calmly.

"Alicia, you have to get this out. All of this hurt, all of this blame, and anger, and heartache. You can't keep it inside, it will kill you. You have to find a way to put closure on Will."

. Alicia spins around.

"You mean to forget him? To forget he ever existed? To put all of the memories of him in a box, wrap it up, never to be opened again?"

Alicia is feeling anger arise, and before she realizes what she's saying she blurts it out.

"I loved him." she almost yells it. _I just said it out loud. I just admitted to someone I loved Will. _

"I know you did, and he loved you. He loved you so much the only way he could deal with you leaving the firm was to push you away. And that is the same reason you left. You always wanted your own firm, but the main reason you left was because you loved him, and you didn't know what else to do. I saw that kiss the night of the ballet box incident, and the way you two looked at each other after that. And quite frankly the looks you two gave each other after you were made partner. I don't mean that you need to forget Will. We will never forget Will Alicia." Diane says much more calmly, and quietly now. .

"Every time you hear his name, every time you see the back of someone that looks like him, every time you drink some of his favorite wine, or catch a whiff of another man wearing the same cologne, or eat at a restaurant you two liked, you will think of him. It will hit you when you least expect it, when your guards are totally down. And that's ok. You can let your guard down. You can be sad, and let it hit you for a moment. But Alicia you need to get rid of the guilt, and the pain. You're going to need all of your strength the next few months to fight Peter. And you can't do that with this lingering. You're strong, intelligent, and confident Alicia, probably the strongest most determined women I know, next to myself."

Alicia looks at her for a moment before responding. "I don't know how to Diane. I don't know if I can. I don't know… if I want too."

Alicia turns around again, headed towards the door.

"I will see you tonight at seven Diane."

"Alicia where are going?" Diane asks with a little concern.

"Home"

And she turns and walks down the hall.


	5. Box Of Memories

**Chapter 5 **

**The Box of Memories**

When Alicia gets home she puts her things down, and walks straight to the bedroom. She is so tired, she just wants to sleep. She decides to change out of her work clothes first. She rummages through her closet looking for something to put on. Then she notices a box tucked away in the corner of her closet.

She pulls it out, and realizes it's her box of things from Georgetown. Only she remembers she had stuck some more things into it when she and Will had been together again. She figured that if she put things from him in the box labeled Georgetown, and the kids found it, or if Peter found it they wouldn't suspect anything.

She pulls it out and sits on her bed, then opens the box, and smiles. First she pulls out a small box. She opens it, and inside is a bracelet. Will had given it to her when they were in New York on the Ashbough case.

_That was crazy romantic. He was so nervous! He gave it to me when we were out on the balcony, before we made love. "Leesh, I have something for you." He pulled the box out of his suit coat pocket. I almost lost the dinner I'd just eaten. I thought he was going to propose! He smiled when he saw the look on my face, and started to laugh. "It's not a ring! I just wanted to get you something!" Then he'd opened the box to reveal a beautiful bracelet. He'd slipped it on my wrist. I could tell he was so excited. Then I punched him for scaring me half to death! That really was the happiest I'd ever been, well again. I was always happy with Will. But that weekend was amazing. Just he and I , no cares, no worries. We could walk down the street holding hands, and eat at whatever restaurant we wanted without anyone giving us a second thought. He was the only one who could bring out the care free Alicia. _

Coming out of the memory, she slips the bracelet onto her wrist.

Next she pulls out a baseball cap, and ball. _I loved watching him pitch all those years ago. He was so excited when he had thrown his one and only no hitter. He made the umpire give him the ball after the ninth inning. He came right over to where I was sitting, and had said, "Leesh I want you to have this!" _

"_But Will, it's the ball you won the game with." _

"_Ah, it's just a ball." I knew how much that ball meant to him, why didn't I pick up on the fact that he wanted me to have a piece of this happy moment with him? _

She holds up the old Georgetown baseball cap. This was a more recent gift from Will. He had made her wear it during the affair, one night when they had watched a game together at his apartment. They couldn't go out to a Cubs game together. Imagine the pictures that could have shown up in the paper the next day. But he had wanted to share the going to the game together feeling anyway.

"So what is this big surprise for tonight's date?" She had asked as soon as she had entered his apartment. He had clearly been cooking something on the grill.

"Tonight we are going to a Cubs game!"

"Will, you know we can't go out like that."

"I know! Welcome to Wrigley Field." He said pointing to the living room smiling. She walked in and he handed her the hat. "So here is your baseball attire. You have to wear this the whole night! Even after the game is over, and I make love to you!"

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes, I have never been so serious in my whole life."

"And what kind of food do I get to eat at this fine establishment?" Alicia was now playing along, but stepping closer to him to in for a kiss. It's just like he's 20 years old again sometimes. She had thought. .

"Gourmet hotdogs, and beer of course!"

"Gardner, you will never cease to amaze me!"

It had been fun, lots of fun. It was so relaxing to just sit next to him on his couch. She had forgotten how much he loved baseball. It had been so funny. He had played all the parts. The angry fan, the fan protecting his date from the angry fan, the concessions stand worker, the winning team, the loosing team, and of course the gentleman. He had made her keep the baseball hat on while they had made love that night. It had really turned him on that she had played along with his little game.

Alicia put the cap back into the box. There were other odds and ends from the Georgetown years. Some of the papers she had written during Law school. A copy of her law review articles. A few awards she had received during school.

Next she pulled out a stack of photos. Most were from Georgetown. There were some from Graduation, some from parties she had been too with friends. Lots of all the adventures she'd had with Will, and others during school. Then she saw the more recent ones. There were only a few. They were of her and Will. He had wanted one of the two of them.

It was on a Saturday morning after she had come over for breakfast. He was good at making breakfast. He had made, Omelet's, fruit, and coffee.

"These are really good Will."

"Thanks, it's just about the only thing I can cook." He gave her a very loving look with those dark, make you melt eyes." Hey stay right there, don't move."

"Why, I want to sit on the couch." But in a split second he had pulled out his phone, and before she knew it, he had snapped a shot of her with the camera. "Will what are you doing?"

"You were just so beautiful sitting there I had to take a picture!"

"Was that a pick up line counselor?" She smirked walking towards the couch.

"No!" He said incredulously. She grabbed the phone from him, and sat down. "Now it's your turn."

"No way Leesh."

"Oh come on, it's only fair, and you should have learned by now not to argue against me counselor!"

"I have a counter argument.. counselor. We both sit on the couch, and take one together."

"Objection" Alicia spits out with a huge grin on her face.

"Over ruled!" He says sitting down next to her, putting his face very close to hers.

"Fine counselor, I accept your conditions, but you owe me!"

"Whatever you want." He had said moving in closer to steal a kiss.

"What ever I want counselor? I want you!" With that comment Will couldn't contain himself any more. He kissed her passionately, and they proceeded to remove each other's clothes.

When they were finished, and clothed again, they sat on the couch, and snapped a few shots. In some of the photos they were looking at the camera. And in some of they were looking at each other. Will had even managed to get one of them kissing without her knowing it, until they had printed them out on his printer awhile later. It had been very playful. After they had printed them Will held one out and said, "Now whenever I want to see you, and you aren't here I can look at this!" A big grin etched across his face. At the time it had seemed so silly. But now she was grateful she had the photos.

There were other things from school in the box, but the last thing she pulled out was his Georgetown sweatshirt. He had let her borrow it just a few weeks before she had broken things off with him, after Grace had gone missing.

_It was late one Friday night. The kids were at Peter's. She had gone to his place for dinner. They had ordered in pizza. They had spent the evening talking like best friends talk. Around ten Alicia had a sudden urge for ice cream. _

_"You want ice cream, even with this freezing fall weather out?" _

_"Yes, I love ice cream, and I want some!" _

_"Well I happen to know of a frozen yogurt place close by that we can walk to in about ten minutes. But I expect to be rewarded when we get back!" _

_So they had thrown on their jackets, and headed out. It was much colder than Alicia had thought it would be, but it was nice to walk with him in the cool air. _

_After enjoying some yogurt together, they headed back to his place. Almost as soon as they left the quaint shop it started to rain. At first it was just a drizzle, but after a minute it had turned into a down pour. They had run the few blocks back to Will's. But by the time they got back to his place they were both soaking wet. Alicia was freezing. "I know the perfect way to warm you up." he had said. "But we'll need to take all of these wet clothes off.!" _

"_I feel your reward coming on!" She said as they headed towards the bedroom, and removed all of their clothing. He was freezing too, even though he wouldn't admit it. So they huddled under the warm blankets, and then she proceeded to reward him. _

_When they had finished, she didn't have any dry clothes to put on, While her clothes were drying in the dyer he had given her his Georgetown sweatshirt to wear. "That looks amazing on you" he had said. "Oh please Will. I look ridiculous."_

_"No, you look amazing wearing anything that belongs to me!" He had said with sultry eyes looking back at her. Later after she put her dry clothes back on, she got cold again. She had only worn a light weight blouse with her jeans, and her jacket was still soaked He had told her to wear the sweatshirt home. She certainly wasn't going to object. She had meant to give it back to him, but then Grace, and life, and she never had the chance. She had put it in the box the next day to "hide" it from the kids, and had forgotten about it. _

Now she held it close, taking in the scent.. his scent. She couldn't believe it still smelled like him. _It must have held the scent because it's been stuffed in this box. Oh how I miss that scent_. She slips it on over her head feeling its warmth, feeling Will, pretending he is right there with his arms wrapped tight around her. She climbs under the covers of her bed. The last thing she remembers thinking is, _"I'm worried about everything Will." "I'm not"_ he had responded all those years ago. Then she drifts off to sleep dreaming that he was right there next to her, holding her, keeping her safe, and protecting her like he always had.

**A/N Please review. See things are starting to look up for Alicia! I want to know what you all think so far!**


	6. What Next

**A/N This is a short chapter. I was going to add it to the next one, but the next chapter will be pretty long. Keep sending in those reviews. I like to know what you are all thinking. Just four days to the new season. I can't wait!**

**Chapter 6**

**What Next**

About an hour after Alicia left the office, Cary, and Kalinda finished up with their client, and went to Diane's office.

"So where is Alicia now?" Kalinda asked as they entered Diane's office.

"She went home." Diane said as she looked up from her work, and removed her glasses.

"So how is she?" Cary asks as he and Kalinda sit down, concern written all over his face.

"Not Well." Diane says with a sigh.

"I don't get it. She's been doing really well over the past eight months. I thought she had put some closure on Will. It seemed like she had moved on. I mean there was no indication before we saw her in court today that she wasn't doing great."

Cary Continues, "Just Look around us, all of this is because of Alicia. I mean Diane, do you think you and I would have agreed to become partners if Alicia hadn't pushed so hard to make it happen? No offence, but I hated the idea at the time. I couldn't believe Alicia was even considering it."

Diane chuckles, "No Cary, the only reason I got out from under David Lee, and Louis Canning, Was because Alicia fought for me to come here. I think after Will died she and I started watching out for each other with out realizing it. She reminded me so much of Will during that time."

"So what are we going to do? Diane you talked to her, is this all about Will, or Peter?" Kalinda says.

"Yeah, are she and Peter separating again?" Cary asks

"No, she and Peter separated a year ago." Diane waits for a reaction from Cary and Kalinda, knowing they will both be surprised before she moves on.

"They… what?" Cary says looking thoroughly confused.

"Yes, that is about the reaction I had when Alicia told me. They have kept that secret well hidden haven't they? She and Peter are going to get a divorce. Alicia asked me to draw up divorce papers for her."

"Wow, she is really going to do it? Divorce Peter? He must have done something that really hurt Alicia, if she is willing to divorce him after all that has happened the past seven years." Kalinda says not really believing what she has just heard.

"I know" Diane says concerned.

"She didn't tell you what happened?

"No, I asked her if they had separated, and she told me they had a year ago. Then she asked me if I would draw up divorce papers for her. The conversation immediately turned to Will after that, and then she left."

"So is the divorce about Will?" Cary asks.

"I have no idea, but I can't imagine that she would decide to divorce Peter over Will now that he's gone."

"Maybe they tried to work it out over the past year, but decided they couldn't make it work anymore." Says Kalinda

"No" Diane says, "I went to Will's grave site this morning, Alicia was there. She looked exhausted, and it looked lie she hadn't slept all night. Whatever it was, I'm guessing it just happened. She looked almost as broken as she did this afternoon. There has to be something else that pushed her over the edge. Likely it's something Peter did."

"I wonder what?" Kalinda says questioningly

"Maybe you should investigate." Cary says with a smile on his face. Diane chuckles.

"Well it's Friday afternoon, and we don't have any more clients today. I am going to go home. I invited Alicia over for dinner this evening."

"And she agreed?" Kalinda asks

"Yes, she confirmed it right before she left work. I am hoping that two close friends getting together for dinner might provide a "safe" environment for her. You two know Alicia as well as I do, and she is not going to fall to pieces for weeks, over what's going on. I think she just needs to talk to someone. A professional would probably not be a bad idea, but she will never agree to that. I think she needs to talk about all of it, out loud. She's built up a lot of guilt, regret, and from what Kalinda saw today clearly anger over the past year. Sometimes all you need is a good sounding board. So with a little wine and food I will try to be a sounding board. Sometimes all you need is to be able to say how you feel, to someone who isn't directly involved in the situation."

"And you think you can get her to "talk" actually "talk"? Cary says a bit skeptical.

"Yes, she already made the first move. She admitted out loud to me this afternoon that she loved Will. I don't think she's ever let herself say it out loud before today. I could be wrong, but the look on her face after she said it, was pretty much one of shock. I'm hoping that two friends discussing an old friend, will allow her to open up about everything that happened between her and Peter, and her and Will. There's got to be more to the Will and Alicia story than the one we all know. The relationship those two had was… very complicated. And I don't think it just became complicated six and half years ago. Without even a second thought Will wouldn't budge on hiring her. I didn't understand it at the time. I couldn't understand why he was so set on hiring her. That's how the contest between you two came up Cary. I was really concerned about hiring her, and we didn't have the budget for both of you. But Will kept coming up with more and more reasons why we should hire her. So I finally gave in."

"Yeah, about that Diane, Will had me bury some information that probably would have hurt her as a hiring prospect. Her old firm was going to fire her just after she left on maternity leave. They didn't think she was tough enough. Can you imagine Alicia, not "tough enough?" Kalinda says smiling, all three chuckle at the thought.

"I had never seen Will act that way over anyone. The way he looked at her all the time, even from day one… actually it really caught me off guard. He had never acted that way before. He wanted to include her in everything he could with work. Will and I would be standing in the hall, or my office having a "private" conversation about a case he or I was working on, and if she was there she would turn to walk away to give us some privacy. But he would always say, "No, Alicia you stay." It drove me crazy at first. I saw the way he always looked at her after she walked out of his office, the way he would watch her walk down the hall for as long as he could. He almost always took her side on cases. It wasn't just lust he felt for her. This was not just another person he wanted to sleep with for a month, and then move on. He acted like an adult around her. He genuinely loved her, from day one. That love, that passion had to have come from somewhere.

I think she is done running from all the feelings. I think that so many emotions hit her at once this afternoon all she could do was sit, and feel them. I think that as hurt as she is right now, she did some growing today." Diane stands up to leave. "Watch out, because I think the next few weeks will bring us a stronger, independent, "new" Alicia. But be prepared, because if Alicia is divorcing Peter it will affect the firm. You two have a good weekend."

"You to Diane. And good luck with Alicia." Cary says as Diane heads out of her office.

_Ringing, ringing, where is that ringing coming from? _Alicia slowly opens her eyes. Still feeling groggy, she looks around, and realizes it's her phone that's woken her up. She reaches over to the night stand, and picks it up. It reads Diane. Alicia answers with a tired groggy voice.

"Hi Diane"

"Alicia.. are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine Diane, why?" Alicia is still trying to wake up from the deep sleep she was in.

"I was just calling to see if you were still planning on coming over."

"Yes, of course what time is it?"

"7:30"

"Oh, Diane, I am so sorry, I came home and fell asleep. Your call woke me up."

"It's ok Alicia, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I'm sure you needed the sleep."

"Yeah, I guess I did. Listen I can be there in half hour. Is that ok? I still want to come. I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day." Alicia starts to get out of bed.

"Yes, that sounds good. I will see you soon."

"Ok, bye Diane."

"Good bye Alicia."

Alicia looks around the room. Then looks down and sees the sweatshirt. She smiles, and takes it off. She folds it up, and puts it back into the box. Vainly hoping it will hold its scent. _I really need to find out what kind of cologne he used to wear! _She thinks to herself. She brushes through her hair, touches up her makeup, and slips on a comfortable sweater. It's pouring rain outside. So it's probably cold. She grabs a bottle of wine, and her purse and keys, and heads out the door.

She'd gotten ready, and left the apartment so quickly she hadn't thought about all the events of the day that had taken her home. But now that she was driving she had time to think again. She could feel all of the emotions start to run through her body again. It was like a tornado had attacked her. She didn't think one person could feel so many emotions at the same time. _How am I going to get through this? It's unbearable. I don't know how to turn these emotions off. _By the time she knocked on Diane's front door, she couldn't hold it in any longer. As soon as Diane opened the door she burst into tears. Diane let her in, and then hugged her tight. It reminded her of the hug Diane had given her a year ago at LG. The day that had changed her whole life. Yet for the first time in the past twenty four hours she felt safe.


	7. Realization

**A/N I am sorry for the longer the delay this time. But this was really emotional to write, and I wanted it to really convey some of Alicia's thoughts, and feelings. I wrote, and re wrote a thousand times. I hope you enjoy. And please review I need to know if this is getting crazy, or if people are still liking it. I am enjoying writing it. **

**Chapter 7**

**Realization**

A few minutes before Alicia arrives, Diane and Curt are talking on the phone.

"I am really worried about her. You should have seen her today. I have never seen Alicia even close to the state she was in. I just hope I can do something. You know Alicia, reluctant to accept help from anyone."

"Yes, the "Alicia front". Well it sounds to me like she needs a good friend like you right now to help her through this, and maybe you should give Alicia the thumb drive. "

Diane starts to head for the door when she hears knocks. "Yes I plan on it. This might be the good timing I was hoping for. If nothing else maybe reading Will's thoughts can pull her out of this. There she is. I better go."

"Ok, I'll be talking to you."

Just as she is about to hang up and open the door she has a thought. "Curt"

"Yeah"

"I love you"

"And I love you."

"No.. I mean I really love you. If there is anything I have learned from today it's that I always want you to know how deeply I love you."

"Well I love you, and don't worry, I will come home in a few day. I promise."

Diane smiles as they both hang up. Then she opens the door. She didn't know what to expect, but her first thought was to let Alicia in, and hug her.

"Alicia I am so sorry."

"I know"

"It's going to be ok." Diane lets go, and they both walk to the sofa. They sit down, and Diane puts an arm around her. Alicia cries for a few more minutes before saying anything.

"Diane, I don't know if I will ever be ok."

"You will, I know you. You just hit a… really big bump, but you will pull through. You always do."

"I am hurting so much. I miss him so much…. I feel so… alone. I thought I had gotten past Will being gone. But after today I feel like a part of me is missing. I lost something last year, my best friend, and I don't know how to fill the void. Alicia manages to get out taking some deep breaths, tears still falling."

She turns and looks at Diane. "I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I am feeling all of these emotions, these strong emotions… for Will. It's like I said earlier. I think I put all the memories and feelings in a box last year. I questioned, I mourned, I spent three days in bed, and then I closed it, I moved on, I thought… Look at all that has happened this year. I am a stronger woman, better, but today, out of nowhere the box burst open because it was to full. I just want to see him one more time, I just want one more chance to tell him I am sorry, and that I love him. I never told him…. I will never be able to tell him, and now what?"

"Now… you actually deal with the emotions. You just need to figure out for yourself that it's not your fault. Diane pauses for a moment contemplating what to say next. "Alicia, Will loved you. He loved you so much."

"I know, and I hurt him. You aren't supposed to hurt the ones you love the most, and I did." Tears start to form in her eyes again.

"Alicia, just for awhile put away the wife, the mother, the sister, the friend. Take all the hats off for a few minutes, and just be you. Just feel the emotions you had for Will. Accept that what you and Will had was not just whatever you and Will had. It wasn't just that thing two years ago, or twenty years ago. It was Love Alicia, real love. A love that most people never have, but want. A love you got to experience. Let yourself experience it without the guilt. Will wouldn't want you to be in the place you are now. And that's why this is so difficult. That's why when whatever happened the past twenty four hours reopened the box. Something ripped the bow off, and reopened the box."

Alicia stares at Diane sill teary eyed, but realizes Diane is right.

"My whole life fell apart today, again Diane. Only it was worse than ever before. I feel like the rest of what was left of my dreams fell to pieces. I am so tired of everything always being so complicated. I just want to go to work, go home, enjoy the kids, and have a more normal life, if there is such a thing. Actually, I don't want to do anything today, or tomorrow." Diane hands her a tissue, and is hopeful that Alicia is finally starting to let go of all the built up emotions.

"Yes, you have hit the depression phase of grieving." Diane offers.

Alicia looks thoughtful for a moment.

"Yes, I suppose I have. I thought I hit that last year when I couldn't pull myself out of bed, but this is different. What makes it even worse is that Eli… I can't believe… I am so angry…" Alicia turns her head back towards the room.

Diane is confused now. "Alicia, how did we get from Will, to Eli?"

Alicia stands up, and starts to pace across the room. "Because the men in my life are just one continuous circle. Wherever there is Will, there's Peter, and wherever there is Peter there is Eli. And apparently wherever Eli and Peter are it somehow comes right back to Will. If I wasn't living this chaos, I wouldn't believe it. You would think it was some really great but twisted movie plotline. The plot is so overpowering and complicated it could cause one to spin in circles for weeks." She stops crying, at least for the moment, the tears are replaced with anger.

"I need some wine." Diane chuckles.

"Well come sit down at the table, we'll eat, and have a drink."

Alicia walks over to the table., and Diane brings out quite the meal.

"Wow Diane! That looks really good!"

"Well don't judge it until you've eaten it!" They sit and eat in silence for a few minutes, and then Alicia speaks up. "Who knew Diane Lockhart was a fabulous cook? This is the best meal I have had in months!"

"Thank you"

"How did you learn to cook like this?"

" well remember I told you my mother had other plans for me. She was an excellent cook, and taught me. But being single until recently I didn't need to use the skill much."

. "I was never a great cook. I can cook, but not like this. This is an art!"

Alicia says between bites. "I bet Curt loves this!"

"Yes.. he does!" Diane smiles thinking of Curt.

"So, back to Eli." Diane chimes in

Alicia looks up from her plate. "Eli" Alicia says with clear annoyance in her voice.

"Yes, clearly from the way you are reacting you are not happy with him. So what did Eli do?"

"Well… now I am wondering what Eli didn't do to influence the outcome of my life for the past six years?"

"I thought you liked Eli. You two have always worked well together. It seemed anyway."

"Don't get me wrong Diane, I have a lot of respect for Eli. He left things alone when I needed them left alone. Except for the whole running for State's Attorney. He did his best to make life as uncomplicated for me and the kids through all of Peter's campaigning as he could. He went to heads with reporters when it needed to happen. He is brilliant. He is very good at his job. He has been there since Peter was out of prison, literally since day one or two. But now that I know what I know, I am wondering how many other things he kept from me. How many other things he kept that could have potentially changed my life? Personal things, that he had no right interfering with. This is my life. I should have the right to choose its direction."

"Ok, now you really have to tell me what he did. Other things, what was the "thing?" Diane says with curiosity.

Alicia puts down her fork, takes a sip of wine, gets up, and walks to the big windows in Diane's front room. before beginning. Diane follows wine glasses in hand.

"Before I get there you need a little background. After Peter was released from prison he and I… struggled. We went up and down."

"Well that is perfectly understandable."

"Will and I… got closer. It's not what you're thinking. Peter didn't trust me half the time and I was having lots of trust issues with him as you can imagine. He didn't like all the late nights, and long hours. I found out about things he had done while he was state's attorney that I didn't like. So without realizing it, if I got mad at Peter, I would be more… flirty with Will. And of course he would flirt right back. He could tell I wasn't completely happy." She sighs, "He could always tell when something was wrong. He'd ask how I was, or how things were going. He was very good at that, but I would never discuss personal things with him back then. We tried to have dinner for weeks, for months, just as old friends. We ended up having dinner at work in my office one night not long before Peter announced he was running for state's attorney again. It was very casual, but one thing he said that night has stuck in my mind. He said, "We always have options Alicia." I have thought about that quite a bit over the years.

Anyway, the night Peter announced he was running for State's Attorney Will called me during the press conference. It was loud, and I could barely hear him. I only answered because I thought it was about work." Diane lifts an eyebrow.

"It wasn't about work?"

"No, I was surprised he even called. He knew where I was. It was just one more blatant example of our bad timing. He wanted to talk about us. What was he thinking calling me then? See he and I had.. a moment a few months earlier."

"A moment?"

"Yes, a really good moment. A kiss. It was after the Lifestate insurance case. He was feeling down, and I was weak, and wasn't really happy with some things Peter was doing. But back to the press conference. We talked for a minute. I told him I needed a plan. I told him he had to make a plan if he wanted this… whatever it was to continue. Then I had to hang up, I had to go be on stage with Peter. But just as I went to go onstage with Peter he called again. Eli took my phone right out of my hand. I realize now he probably overheard some of the conversation I had just had with Will, and saw the caller ID. Everything got so hectic over the next few hours, that I completely forgot he had called. Until later that night when I was home, and I looked at my phone. I had one voicemail from Will. He basically said I was right to stay with Peter. It was wrong, he was my boss. He said we should drop it. So I dropped it."

"But he didn't, did he?"

"No, well he tried. We both tried." Alicia says sighing. They both walk back to the sofa.

"Things got awkward at work for awhile between us, but I didn't realize why at the time. Well, I figured he hadn't actually wanted to drop "it". But I was married, I couldn't pursue it, even if I'd wanted too." Alicia smiles, "part of me really wanted to! Kalinda new something was up. Kalinda always knows when something is up!" Alicia rolls her eyes. "She told me to talk to him. She even said, "Talk to him Alicia, life is short." Yeah, life is short. Too short. But I didn't, and things cooled down. Tami came into the picture, and we had the Bond era."

"Boy, don't remind me of that. I almost left the firm over Bond." Diane rolls her eyes.

"Those weren't the best months for the firm. We had a few awkward moments after that but things were pretty normal.

A few months later we were working on the Mathew Wade trial. Will was on some of the wire taps I listened to. He was talking to Wade about me. He said he had phoned me twice. Then wire tap cut out. When it resumed Wade was saying how he should come and tell me what he had said. Wade said Will couldn't spill his heart in a voicemail. So I knew I had missed a voicemail. After I heard the tap I left the room, and checked my phone, I could hardly breathe. I was suddenly feeling all of these emotions for him. It was a mix of happy, joy, wonder, want… But I only had one voicemail. I figured the second one had just never gotten to my phone. I didn't know what the other voicemail said, but I wanted to know, I had to know. I hate loose ends. I went to ask him about it later that day, but as I went to ask Tami walked out of his bathroom. Bad timing once again."

"I'm starting to understand why bad timing, and you two get used in the same sentence." Alicia laughs.

"Yes, well we had good timing a few times. A few weeks later after my trip to bring Owen back to Chicago I did ask Will about it, and I was pretty sure he lied to me. I know now for sure he had lied to me."

"And we know this because of what Eli told you today?"

"Yes…" Alicia starts to tear up again. Eli deleted the second voicemail. How could be do that? Listen to my personal voicemails, and delete one. Eli tells me today, after I have had a huge fight with Peter," then in her best Eli impression, "Alicia there is something you need to know."

Diane laughs. "You have spent too much time around Eli." Alicia smiles.

"He told me he had deleted the voicemail, that Will told me he loved me, that he had loved me since Georgetown. How could Eli take that moment away from me Diane?" Diane is starting to put some of the pieces together.

"I never got to hear him say those three life changing words, and really mean it. Eli took that from me."

"Would it have made things different? If you had listened to the voice mail would you have done things differently?"

"I… don't know. I would have liked the opportunity to have done something. Diane, I loved Will. I have loved Will for well… ever since Georgetown." Alicia walks back over to the window and watches the rain fall.

"I am so angry at Eli. I feel lost Diane. Who knows what else is out there that I don't know about. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I have lost all direction, especially now that Peter and I… "

"Alicia what happened? You don't just decide over night to get a divorce, especially you."

"Actually Diane I did. Alicia turns around, looks Diane straight in the eye, and starts to sound angry again. It's a long time coming, but I did decide over night. Peter has been keeping a lot of secrets from me. Let's start with the big one. A baby, Diane a child. More tears fall. Peter is going to be a father again. And I am not the mother."

"So he cheated on you again?" Diane says anger in her voice.

"Yes, and no. remember we have been separated for a year."

"Yes, you two fooled everyone."

" I was really upset with him last year." Alicia sits back donw. "When I was out for those three days mourning Will, I missed an event. Peter came over to talk about it. Things escalated quickly. He said I wasn't trying hard enough. That if this was my best it wasn't good enough."

"He didn't?"

"Oh, he did. And that's when I realized I had to let go. Let go of him. Let go of all the pain and hurt he caused me. He said he wanted to change, but then he says things like that. The only way I could deal with that realization then was to separate from him. So I told him we were through. I told him we would stay married, but that was it. He could do whatever, sleep with whoever we wanted. He and I needed each other career wise, but as far as marriage, I was done. Then he has the gall to say to me, "So you want to sleep with someone else?" He always thought the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I wanted to sleep with someone else. I am sure he thought that because that was the only reason he could think of for separating, he'd cheated, so he assumed I wanted to. He's been paranoid about that ever since prison. Jackie told him while he was in prison that I was spending all these late nights at work with Will, and he just assumed we were sleeping together. Because that is what he had done. He thought the reason I wasn't willing to work things out sooner the first time we separated was because I wanted to sleep with Will., or that I was"

"But you did want to sleep with Will didn't you?"

"Yes, but I had been faithful for Peter. Except for the kiss, and that was not the reason we separated. That was not the reason I wasn't willing to work it out. It never occurred to him that there were lots of other reasons I didn't want to be with him. The last thing I wanted to do a year ago was sleep with someone who wasn't Will. How could he hurt me like this? I am his wife. But he got another woman pregnant…"

Diane doesn't know what to say, she is shocked. "So you found out last night?"

"Yes, he and Eli came to my apartment last night and told me."

"Why Eli?"

Alicia laughs, "For damage control. That is half of Eli's job, damage control. I didn't even know what to say when he told me. I don't remember what I said, I was furious. Its one thing to have a child with another woman if we were divorced, but to do it while we are still married…."

"Did Peter know, I mean did he know he was trying to get another woman pregnant?"

"I have no idea. There is something else too. But Zach and Grace are going to have another sibling in four months. I cannot wrap my head around that. He clearly never changed. Married, that used to mean something. It used to mean commitment. Not anymore. I decided a few months ago that maybe we should give it one more shot. A real shot. I told him that. I started feeling like maybe we should try to work it out again. I called him more; I tried to attend more events. We met for dinners. I thought he wanted it too try to work things out. I had this strange notion, that if Peter and I actually worked together we could be unstoppable. Make a real difference somewhere. That was what I pictured all those years ago at Georgetown. I saw the potential for greatness in Peter. A few weeks ago I even brought up that maybe he and I should try living together again. He seemed surprised, but said that sounded like something we could try. He lied to me, he already knew then about the baby."

"Well, that is not going to reflect well upon the Governor."

"No, nor will the other issue. If this takes down our firm I will kill him." Alicia sits back down by Diane, and takes another sip of her wine.

"Do I want to know what the other issue is?"

"You will need to, but I don't want to talk about it right now. You know what hurts the most? What's hurt the most over the past few years? The loss of trust. When you marry someone, you plan on being able to trust them. You plan on being able to trust them more than anyone else. You expect they feel the same way. If you make the decision to marry, you have to be able to trust that person. You know what I mean. You trust Curt right?"

"Yes, very much so."

"You had to have put a lot of trust in him last year when he came to testify for us. You each respected the other's careers. That no matter what, at the end of the day you were married, and what happened at work stayed at work. You try your best to not let work influence your home life. Am I crazy, or is this not how marriage works, well at least that is how I thought our marriage worked twenty years ago? Boy I sure did grow up six years ago. Sorry about that, that must have put a lot of unnecessary strain on your new marriage. But I was in war mode then."

"Yeah, so was Will! And, you do some of your best work when you are in war mode! Like this morning for instance."

"Yeah I do don't I?" Alicia laughs, "The look on Canning's face was classic today."

"It was really satisfying. It's ok. At the end of the day I trusted Curt was making the right decision with that case. I was furious, but we got through it, and," Diane says smiling, I did get that case back!"

"There are advantages to having lots of worker bees, when your opponent is a start up! How is married life these days?"

" Really good. I never pictured myself married. But now that I am I really like it. It's like having a piece of me that I didn't know I was missing. It was all so crazy the way we met and then how the relationship continued. But from the day I met curt it was…"

"Amazing.." Alicia says.

"Yes, it took me by total surprise." The way Curt could make me smile with only a few words, or a look was crazy. We were, are so opposite. But that is what makes it so fun. I fell head over heals for him from day one."

Alicia laughs, "I know, and I completely understand."

"You knew?"

"Of course! Don't you remember I was waiting outside your office the first time you met Curt. I saw the smile, the smile and laughter reserved only for those we love. The funny thing about that was I knew exactly what that was, and I don't think you had a clue! One of the rare times I had the upper hand on Diane Lockhart! I don't think anyone else caught the way you were looking at him during the trial. Don't worry, I don't think anyone else had a clue. Well until the next time we used Curt for a trial!"

"Well your right about all of that! I have Will to thank for introducing me to Curt. He's the one who found my ballistics expert." Both women ponder this for a few moments. Then Alicia says teary eyed again.

"What if I made a mistake twenty one years ago? What if Will and I were supposed to be together, instead of Peter and I? What if it's all my fault that Will never had a family, a family I know he wanted."

"Will wanted a family?"


	8. Georgetown Complicated

**Chapter 8**

**Georgetown Complicated**

"Yes…" Alicia says thoughtfully. She turns to Diane, and laughs a little. "Oh come on Diane you can't tell me you never saw the way he acted whenever we took a case that involved a child. Will wanted a family, he just didn't know how to flip from 16th most eligible bachelor to father."

"I… I guess you're right. I never thought about it that way. Diane is trying to figure out how she missed this side of Will after being partners for so long.

"Well you probably never really saw that side of him. I doubt it came up in your day to day conversations. And he and I never discussed it in recent years. Of course I wouldn't let him bring it up." Alicia turns away and sighs.

"Did he try, in recent years?"

"Well he tried many times to have the relationship talk. But I was too scared, and married to let him have it with me. He never spent any time with Zach and Grace. I couldn't let him."

"Did they ever know about you and Will? I mean the affair?"

"I am sure Grace knew. Well I think they both suspected. They would ask questions sometimes about what I did when they were at Peter's. Grace mentioned Will a few times. But I think we were all nervous about bringing it up. The few times I thought I was going to have to tell them because there was a threat it might get out in the public, I was almost physically sic. Luckily I never had to talk with them about it. Will met Zach at work one day." Alicia laughs again. "It was very awkward for both of them. I was just coming back to the office when I saw Will talking to Zach. I left it alone, and didn't interrupt. Later, Will asked me if I wanted him to meet them, you know more formally. I told him no. He accepted it, but I think he really wanted too." Alicia stands up again and walks over to the window.

"He talked about someday having a family when we were at Georgetown. Not in the he and I sense, just casually like you do when you're in college. That is a conversation I will never forget. It was a late, very cold night in November. We were on one of our walks."

"Your walks?" Diane lifts an eyebrow.

"Will loved to go for walks late after studying, or while we were studying, for a break. I usually just let him talk. He always had so much to say, and I liked just listening. He'd talk about sports, the latest girl he was dating, or trying to date. Sometimes he would talk about his sister's, and how much they were driving him crazy. And of course he would talk about baseball. But this conversation was the November of our third year. He was very serious that night, which was not like him. I had been talking about Peter, about our upcoming jobs. We'd all been offered positions at that point. Peter and I in Chicago, and he in Baltimore. I was terrified to go into the real world. Excited, but terrified. He said, "Leesh what are you so worried about? You'll do great in the real world. I bet you'll have your own firm in 5 years. Just remember us little people when you are a famous lawyer." Boy did things change.

He could always make me smile. With all the chaos around he always made me feel safe somehow. He was my safe place, my calm. When I was with him I wasn't worried about anything. I knew he would make a great father."

"How did you know that all those years ago?"

"Well One time we and some of our class mates including Peter went to a local homeless shelter to help out. We needed some community service time for a class we were taking. There were so many kids. It was so sad. But Will got right into it. He organized a baseball game for the kids. He would do funny magic tricks, like pulling a quarter from a kid's ear. A quarter seemed like a million bucks to those kids. He told the funniest stories. The kids loved it. He would have been very good at the father thing… Anyway back to our walk. I had been rambling on for a while, but then I realized he wasn't saying much. I called him on it. He looked at me, and asked, "Do you ever want a family Leesh?" I was a bit taken aback. This was not a typical question from him. I said yes, but then asked him if he was getting serious with Tami's sister."

"Will dated Tami's sister in college?"

"Yes, for a few months. It seemed like it was getting serious, I thought that was why we were having the discussion. He chuckled, and said, "No, I don't think so. But do you see yourself being a mother someday?"

I responded, "Yes Will I do. Do you see yourself being a father someday?"

Then he said, "I don't know, I used to think that some day I would like to have a wife, and maybe kids. But there is so much to do, and so many things I want to experience before I settle down. But maybe if I found the right person I would."

"I was so caught off guard I just turned it back on him as a joke. "Well you let me know if you find that person, I would love to meet the women who could settle Will Gardner!" He looked a little stunned, but smiled and said very seriously, "I will, you'll be the first to know." I just brushed it off. I realize now he was asking because he wanted me to be the one to settle him. When we all came back from Christmas break, he had broken up with Tami's sister. He probably would have tried to get more serious then, but Peter and I had gotten more serious over the break. More bad timing… So yes Diane he wanted a family, mine. I think he still wanted it all these years later."

Diane chuckles, "I hate to tell you this Alicia, but I enjoyed seeing the woman who did settle Will Gardner. Even if it caused all kinds of issues at work, it did make me happy to know that Will could switch from sixteenth most eligible bachelor to settled."

"Alicia turns to Diane again, leaning against the window arms folded.

"You know the message he left me last year, the one the day he died?"

"Yes, that really bothered you didn't it?"

"Will had just talked to Finn before he called me. I asked Finn if he knew what Will wanted when he called, he wasn't sure, but he said he had just shown Will photos of his children. What if he wanted to fix things, what if he was ready to spill his heart again? Now I will never know. I hate not knowing. I regret not fixing things more between us before he… What if I made the wrong choice all those years ago?"

Diane looks at Alicia very seriously, "Then you would be a widow with fatherless children now. And knowing you and Will, they would probably be much younger than Zach and Grace are now. That may be a worse pain than this is Alicia. This is life. Life is all about choices, and consequences. They work hand in hand. What ever made you choose Peter at the time must have felt right. It had to have been what you wanted at the time. I've seen you and Peter over the past few years, and I know you love him, or loved him." She says hesitantly.

"You're right, and that may have been worse." Alicia ponders this for a moment, and thinks how heartbreaking it would be for Zach and Grace if Peter was gone.

"I did love Peter, but I loved Will too."

"So why did you choose Peter instead of Will? Why did you decide to marry Peter instead of Will? I don't understand the relationship you and Will had, and the one you and Peter had. How did that work simultaneously? Things are starting to make sense now, but some things are still very confusing."

"What things?"

"The Will and Alicia story. You know that has been a mystery for everyone. I knew there was more to you two than just the, we went to Georgetown together. You have to remember I've watched you two from the day you started working for me. I saw the way Will watched you from day one. I knew there had to be more to the story. So lets hear it, because knowing what I know, and the little bit you've told me tonight; this is one of the best, and most tragic love stories of all time." Diane takes a sip of her wine, and gives Alicia that you better start talking look.

"You really want to hear about Will and I at Georgetown?"

"Yes, partially because I am very curious, and partially because I think it will help you accept what has happened."

Alicia smiles, "I didn't realize that Will and I were such a mystery, and… I can't believe he never told you about Georgetown!" she says very sarcastically.

Diane laughs. "All I ever got from him about you at Georgetown was when we were considering hiring you. All he said was that you were the top of your class."

"Well I was, and look at what a good decision that turned out to be!" Alicia says laughing

"Georgetown was fun, but complicated. And our life the past years had to be such a complicated secret, even though it wasn't that I have a lot of built up emotions I have never been able to talk about with anyone. I couldn't even really talk to Will about everything. I would have loved too, but I was married. I decided to marry Peter because" Alicia pauses for a moment mulling over her answer. "I got pregnant…. I loved Peter, and we found out we were having a baby together. You're right it felt right at the time. I wouldn't trade Zach and Grace for anything, but… I think I loved Will more. Will was my first true love. He was my best friend. That's what made it so easy for me to work for him. It was like we picked back up where we had left off fifteen years earlier." Alicia sits for a moment realizing, and beginning to accept her real feelings for Will.

"I have been so busy controlling the chaos the past six years I never took the time to just enjoy it. I was very happy while Will and I were together, but I had to stay one step ahead of everyone to cover it up, at least from the kids." Alicia pulls off her shoes, and sits cross legged on the couch; she grabs a pillow to hold onto.

"Will and I were together a lot like I said, because we were best friends. Peter didn't come into the picture until the end of our second year. There was something about Peter. I was really taken by him. We became boyfriend and girlfriend over the summer. Our summer internships were at firms in the same building in Chicago. Will of course was in Baltimore. So that summer gave Peter the perfect opportunity to make his move, and he did. Peter knew how close I was to Will, but he accepted it. He knew if he was going to date me Will was part of my package."

"Peter just accepted Will as your friend?" Diane asks questioningly.

"Yes, well I know it bothered him some. He was very cautious at first, to even ask me out. Will and I spent so much time together if you didn't know us you would have thought we were dating. Peter joined one of our study groups mid semester. He got the nerve to ask me out a few weeks before finals. We all went out together periodically, and honestly for me Will and I were just very close friends. He wasn't serious enough for me. Peter was the type you were serious with, the one who was "marriage material". Will was the fun guy who you did wild and crazy things with. He was the best friend who doesn't care if you're wearing makeup, or having a terrible day. The one who is there for you no matter what. The friend who never judges you, and sticks by you through thick and thin."

"I can picture that."

"I am sure you can. You and Will had a great friendship didn't you?"

"Yes, although I messed it up a few times over the years."

"Well it seemed to me you always worked it out."

"We did, we really were the perfect married couple." Diane and Alicia both smile.

"Will was a good balance for me. He could pull me away from studying when I needed a break, even though I never thought I did. He was the one you made chocolate chip cookies for at 2 am, because it was fun, and seemed like the thing to do. And as you can imagine he was very persistent in getting what he wanted. He was a really good student; he studied hard when it mattered. But whenever we were studying he would get bored after awhile, and would try to get me to run with him, or go watch him hit balls. He would get me to take breaks by always saying, "You only live once Leesh. You're only in college once. You have to make the most of it." And he did. He dated half the women in our graduating class. He would come to class late half the time. But you know what? Will lived. He lived life like he wanted."

Diane chuckles, "he was still living that way fifteen years later! But you calmed him down a bit. You were a good influence on him."

"Yeah I was! Peter on the other hand if he had been studying with us, which was rare because he liked to study alone. But if he had been with us he would go home long before Will and I were done. He was the sensible person who got some sleep for the next day. Peter was serious, stable, had a plan. Always prompt to class, always studied as many hours as were necessary to get top grades. Its funny now that I think about it, Will drove Peter crazy. That's probably why he hardly ever studied with us. This left Will and I to hang out during the week. Don't get me wrong, we weren't paryting every night, I was a very serious student. I always had to have a plan, and I always had to know what was going to happen three months in advance."

"You still do!"

"Yeah, but what if I had let go a little more? That seems like a thousand years ago."

"It's not you. It's not in your make up to, "let go".

"I guess… Once or twice a week things got crazy. Will and I would go on our midnight walks, or have ice cream outside in the middle of December. We both loved ice cream! The weekends were reserved for serious dating. That is when Peter and I spent most of our time together. And when Will would go out to woo the women."

"Did you ever date officially? You and Will?"

"No, not officially. We got more serious for a few months, but we just liked to be with each other. We were to busy having fun to get really serious. We dated other people, but we were really close friends. Anyone we dated had to accept that Will and I were friends, and we weren't going to not be friends just because we were dating other people. We had our quiet intimate moments every once in awhile."

"So you slept with each other periodically?"

"No, I think we were afraid of what that would do to our relationship. We didn't want to ruin what we had. We kissed some, but it never went further than that…" Alicia ponders for a moment.

"We came close one night. It was very late. It was a Friday night near Halloween, during our second year. We had just finished a movie. It was a scary movie. I had jumped several times, by the time the movie was over I had snuggled my body very close to his. He started teasing me. "I'm going to leave now so that the scary investigator can come and get you."

"I was really scared, and begged him to stay. He thought it was so funny. He said, "Okay Leesh I'll stay, but only if you kiss me." So I said, "I can do that, just please don't go." So I kissed him. Then we sat in silence for a few minutes. Then he started tickling me, which he found so funny. I hated it. The more I tried to get away the tighter he held on. And before I knew we were looking right at each other, and he was lying on top of me so I couldn't squirm away." Alicia pauses for a minute, and reflects. _"Leesh" "Yes Will?" "Do you want too…" _Alicia remembers their bodies getting closer and closer, the kissing getting more and more intense. 

She turns back to Diane. "I stopped it before it got much further. I really was worried that it would change things, and I didn't want it to change. He respected that, and things didn't change. He always respected me and my boundaries. But I am sure that is part of the reason our "thing" a few years ago was so intense."


	9. Georgetown and a Baby

**Chapter 9**

**Georgetown and a Baby**

"We will get to the affair,"

"The affair," Alicia says a bit caught off guard.

"Yes Alicia," Diane looks her straight in the eyes again, "it was an affair even if you and Will called it "that thing" and it will get its time. But we are not done with Georgetown. Explain to me how you don't sleep with Will, but end up sleeping with Peer, and getting pregnant?"

"I… Because…" Alicia has to stop and consider this question. She looks at Diane with a blank look, sighs, then stands up and starts to pace again.

"Alicia Florick speechless, I never thought I would see the day!" Diane says smiling. But then tears start to form in Alicia's eyes.

"Alicia, I'm sorry, I didn't mean.."

Alicia takes a deep breath, "It's ok, it's not that, it's just I know I really hurt Will when that happened and… in order to understand that you have to know how gentle, sweet, and loving Will was back then."

"Just back then?" Diane looks at her, and rolls her eyes.

"Recently too, but that's beside the point. Peter showed him love in different ways. I had feelings for both of them, and that made Peter very competitive, and insecure. It didn't seem to phase Will, at least that he led on. Does that make sense?"

"Yes I can see that."

"Will was the king of the little things. Nothing he did had to be big or fancy, it was just his way. He wasn't out to impress me with fancy dates, and expensive gifts. Yes, he was a flirt, but he just had a big heart. He just wanted to have fun. He put on serious when he needed too."

"That sounds like the Will I knew. And you don't get to be a name partner at a top law firm by screwing around." They both smile. Both women are now looking out the windows. A heavy snow has begun to fall.

"Can we have some coffee please? My lack of sleep is catching up to me."

"Sure lets head to the kitchen, and I will make some coffee, and we can clean up the food."

"Thanks again, the food was great, and I really needed to talk with someone."

"Your welcome" They head to the kitchen. Alicia helps with the dishes, while Diane prepares the coffee.

"So as I was saying, what ever Will did had a purpose. And he was one of the hardest working people I have known to this day. The way he and Peter courted, for lack of a better term, was completely different. Will, would leave me notes of good luck for exams in places he knew I would find them. Peter would just ask how it went. Will would bring me coffee in the mornings to help me wake up. I am not a morning person." Alicia laughs, Peter, well Peter isn't a morning person either."

"Will would still a kiss when ever he could get away with it, but he was very private about it. For instance, I loved to watch him play baseball. I didn't enjoy how long the games were; hence I always had a book to read. But I did love watching him play, because he loved it so much. It was so fun to see the pure joy in his eyes when he was pitching. I would go, no he would drag me with him, to watch him practice late in the evening. He practiced relentlessly. We would go to the practice field, and he would throw pitch after pitch. After awhile he would come and sit by me in the bleachers. I think he dragged me with him some nights just so I would get some fresh air. One night he asked what I thought. I told him it looked great. He just laughed because I had no clue what a good pitch looked like compared to a bad one. Then he said, "Someday Leesh I will be in the majors." He had the biggest smile on his face when he talked about it.

I replied, "Lawyer by day, Pitcher by night!"

He laughed, "No lawyer is just the back up plan. Plan B. Will you come watch me if i make it to the majors?"

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it!" Then he grabbed my hand, and pulled me out onto the field. I protested, but only a little."

"Once we were out on the field he said, "I am going to teach you haw to throw a ball." Of course it was just one of many plans to get closer to me." Alicia rolls her eyes. "He showed me how to throw a few pitches. I tried, but was terrible at it. He loved it. He would try over and over again standing right behind me, arms wrapped around my left arm. I think that was part of the problem. I am left handed and he was right. After awhile he brought my arm down, and turned me in towards him, planting a kiss. Then he said, "Being a lawyer should be your plan A, and this should not be plan B, or C."

"Peter on the other hand didn't care who was watching when he kissed me, especially if Will was around. He wanted everyone to know I was his." Alicia shakes her head, "they never got along, not really. Peter didn't mind Will being around at first, but as time went on it bothered him more than he would let on. They grew to really dislike each other."

Diane hands Alicia a full coffee mug. "Well, some things never change. I don't know about Peter, but Will really had issues with him even after you left LG."

Alicia takes a sip of her coffee, and smiles. "Well Peter's feelings were mutual. Let's go sit back down."

Once they are comfortable again, Alicia continues. "Sometimes Will and I would be studying at the library, I would go look for a case we needed to read, and he would sneak up behind me. He scared me to death sometimes." Alicia shakes her head.

" You know how quiet, and large law libraries are. He would put his arms around me, and pretend to help me look for the book we needed. Once we found it he would grab it, turn me around and kiss me. Stating it was my reward for finding what we needed.". 

"He stole kisses from you at work to, didn't he?" Diane smiles, "Don't deny it, he always looked at you with wanting eyes. Protecting eyes, but wanting."

"I don't know what you are talking about!" Alicia, smiles, and takes another sip from her mug, looking away from Diane.

"But that was Will. He never wanted the spotlight. He was always the guy in the background holding everything together. Alicia sighs, kind of like Eli. If I was sic he would drop everything, and come take care of me. It was almost suffocating some times. One time I got the flu, the worst I have ever had. It was hysterical. Will showed up at my apartment with a medical mask on, medicine, and food in hand."

"This is what you get for not sleeping enough, and studying so hard." He had said.

"It's your fault I stay up too late." I had protested.

"Well then I better be the one to make you well again. I wouldn't want it to get out that I make women ill." Alicia rolls her eyes again. "He was so funny!"

"He stayed at my place for three days until I was better. He went to class, but that was it. It was nice to have someone to take care of me. He wouldn't let me do a thing. He said I needed to rest. He wouldn't even let me read. He insisted he read any class work that needed reading. He made me chicken noodle soup, and sat on my couch next to me, and rubbed my back for hours. I am amazed he didn't get sic."

"Peter, on the other hand tried to help when I was sic, but he always had too much to do, even when we were married. He cared, and did his best, but it wasn't the same as Will.

Will always knew if I was down. And if I was he made it his business to cheer me up, even if we hadn't seen each other for a few days. He would walk up to me out of no where and say, "so what's going on, you aren't happy?" He would tell me a joke, or take me for ice cream, just to get me to smile. The best thing he did was just listen to me. He would let me rant for hours… kind of like I'm doing now!"

"Alicia its fine. I don't mind, and if talking can help you get through this, then that is what you need to do."

"Thanks Diane, I sincerely mean that." Alicia sighs, then gets up and walks around.

"Peter was the opposite of Will. Dates were many times extravagant, and so were the gifts. Peter came from money. Not that that mattered, but I liked being pampered. I liked the way Peter held himself. I always knew he could be a great politician. That was always his plan. And like I said he was the marrying type." Alicia ponders for a moment. "Will was too I suppose in different ways. But once Peter decided he wanted me to be his he made it his mission to prove to Will that he could win me. That Holiday break our third year was amazing. Peter was a gentleman. He took me to nice restaurants; we went to a Bull's game. His father was a Judge. You should have seen the New Year's party held at his house. Peter and I could talk for hours, just like Will and I. I loved hearing about Peter's future political plans. He wanted to be President you know? At least he liked talking about it. Peter is not all bad, like he's been made out to be the past few years. Deep down somewhere he does have a good heart. He gets misguided, and has done some very idiotic things, but he was a good person. Back then he had all kinds of good ideas on how to make a difference. I think I wanted that too, and figured Peter was a great way to have a piece of that. Peter brought clarity, and plans, which I thrive on…" Alicia bites down on her lip. "But now he has thrown all of that sway. There won't be any political come backs this time."

"Alicia what else did he do?" Diane sits back, arms folded.

"No Diane… I can't talk about it right now I am to upset right now for letting him lead me on the past six years. In the back of my mind, and heart I wanted to believe that Peter was still the man I married. But now I know he's not, and that really stings. It really hurts. I guess I just pictured myself with someone like him all those years ago. And by the time Will was really ready to make the move, Peter had come in and swept me off my feet.

We came back from the holiday break, and Peter and I were more serious, a couple. And Will had had his break up. Presumably so he could get more serious with me. Will and I began to drift apart our last semester. We were still friends. He would still come over occasionally. We still talked a whole lot. But the day I told him I was engaged, and pregnant, well I didn't see him after that. I will never forget that day, or the look on his face when he said good bye."

"Oh my word, you told him both of those things on the same day?"

"I know, it was terrible, but that's how it happened. Peter asked me to marry him a few weeks after graduation. And well graduation night had been all kinds of fun as you can imagine!"

"Yes, I can imagine!" Diane chuckles.

"Will left for Italy about a week after graduation. You know so he could experience some things before settling down." Alicia rolls her eyes. "I would have loved doing that…."

"Yes, I have heard about his adventures in Italy!"

"When he came back he had a few weeks before he started at his new firm. So he flew to Chicago to see me. We hadn't talked since he left. He surprised me. He knocked on our front door one afternoon. I was home sic, because graduation night turned into a baby. I was so embarrassed. I insisted Peter and I get married as soon as possible. The wedding was only two weeks away. Peter was at work when Will stopped by. As soon as he saw me he knew something was up. "Leesha what's wrong? You look awful." I was only nine weeks along, and aside from being sic I was terrified. I invited him in. "Will I have to tell you something." He looked so concerned, and he had no idea the kind of blow he was about to get." Tears start to form again, Diane walks over closer to her.

"We sat down on the couch, and I laid it all out. "Will Peter asked me to marry him." I could almost see his heart drop right then.

"And you accepted?" He said very guardedly.

"Yes, I did. I love Peter, and he loves me. We are getting married in two weeks." He sighed, and sat back on the couch, and was speechless for a minute. "Wow I leave for seven weeks, and everything changes. Why in two weeks? Why so soon? You just graduated; you haven't even taken the Illinois bar yet."

"Will…" I couldn't even look at him, I was heart broken too, not because of the baby, but because I knew how much it was going to hurt him. But I had to tell him."

"Will… I'm… pregnant." He didn't say anything. After a minute I looked over at him, and he had this look of total, I don't know, shock, hurt, sadness. But then it was gone, and he smiled.

"I'm happy for you Leesh. I really am." He said it very quietly, but I could tell he really meant it. A perfect example of him putting my feelings in front of his own. "That's why you're home right now, and are still in your pajamas isn't it? You don't feel well."

"Yes, I have never been so sic in my life. This is like having the flu for six weeks. I hope this really starts to get better after twelve weeks like all the books say." He smiled, and of course asked if there was anything he could get me. "No, I am sorry for being such a horrible hostess." He just smiled. He stayed for about thirty more minutes. He told me about Italy, but then Peter called and said he would be home soon. Will said he had to go. He said he was meeting up with some other friends from college for dinner. It was a lie. I always knew when he was lying. But he insisted. I am sure the thought of seeing Peter was too much. He got up, gave me one last hug and said, "I hope you are happy Alicia. I really do. That kid is getting the best women I know for a mom." Then he let go, and as he walked out he turned and gave me that smile that only he could give. And then he was gone…" Tears are falling down Alicia's cheeks now.

"I was so busy with wedding plans, and baby plans, that I rarely had time to think about him. I did invite him to the wedding, but I knew he wouldn't come. He sent a gift with a note saying he couldn't get away. That made sense, he had only been at his new firm for two weeks. Our lives took such different directions at that point we never re-connected. I didn't see or talk to him again until six years ago."

"Wow, that is… just sad, I don't know what else to call it."

Alicia is now crying, Diane gives her another hug, tears in her eyes as well.

"Why Diane?" Diane lets go of her, Alicia is crying but is clearly angry.

"Why did Peter cheat on me? Why did he go and find someone else to share his bed with? Why did he have to go and mess up our lives? He told me it didn't mean anything, that he had… lost his way. But there had to be a reason." Alicia is nearly sobbing at this point.

"Why did Will have to die? I need him now more than ever. But he isn't here." Alicia gets quiet again, "He's not here to make me laugh, or leave me a note, or to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. He's not here to make me feel safe. Why Diane? Why?

**A/N I would have updated sooner. But I got stuck on the Zach time line. In fact this really bothers me. If you go with the time line the show lies out in episodes 1/1, 4/18 4/21 and 4/22 in my opinion that meant Alicia had to have gotten pregnant the last year at Georgetown, around February, because Zach turns 18 sometime the last two weeks before election day in November. Which means theoretically Peter and Alicia get married right around the beginning of May. Which I get, but they never allude to them being married right after graduating, I am sure it doesn't matter, and I went with my own time line here just to make it work better, but it bugs me. So I would love to hear other's theories on Peter and Alicia, and the time line. Not to mention the disaster this new time line is this season. An election in 8 months Eli says. That means Carey's case has been going on for nearly 9 months. Really? And it has been a year since Will died, because eight months to a November election would be end of March beginning April 2015. So we went nearly a whole year in four episodes. Ok, I've said my peace, and am probably wrong, but seriously. Thanks so much for reading, and sending reviews. I will try to get the next chapter out sooner. I don't have any screwy timelines to deal with in the next chapter. **


	10. I Am Angry

**Chapter 10**

**I Am Angry**

"Alicia, I… I don't know. I can't answer those questions. I can't make that pain go away. You are going to have to find a way to make peace with this. I think the divorce will help as far as Peter is concerned. It will be a long road, but be honest, you may have separated physically from him a year ago, but you separated your feelings from him long before that."

Alicia nods in agreement.

"Even if you thought things were getting better, he obviously didn't. And if you look deep I don't think you really did either." She sighs, and then continues.

"You gave your marriage your all. Marriage is work, constant work between two people, and you put in the work. You tried for more years than most would. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, or feel guilty about when it comes to your marriage. Whether you like or not, you really are Saint Alicia. You aren't the one who cheated first. You aren't the one who went to prison. You aren't the one who caused your face to be plastered or your name to be slandered all over the press."

"Diane stop" she says a bit irritated, and bites down on her lip. "This is too hard to…"

"No Alicia" Diane raises her voice a bit. "You need to hear this. You carry around all this guilt for things that aren't your fault. You're not the one who got to choose whether or not you would rejoin the workforce. You didn't get to choose when a client had information on your husband and used it to benefit themselves. It's not your fault things got so crazy while you and Will were together. It's not your fault Wendy Scott-Carr kept haunting our halls. It's not your fault Zach got his girlfriend pregnant."

"Diane" she stares at her with a deathly, but pleading look, just thinking, _Please just stop. Why won't she stop, leave zach out of this._ But she lets Diane continue, because deep down she knows she's right. She knows she has to hear this, and accept it.

"And it's not your fault that Peter may or may not have bought his way into office." She gets quieter.

"You said earlier today you didn't care anymore." Alicia looks at her with knowing, and guilty eyes.

"It's okay, you know what? You don't have to care anymore. Not about a lot of things anyway, and you know why?"

"Why?" she says defeated.

"Because, it's Peter's fault Alicia. All of those things are his fault, it's his mess. You are not the one to blame. No one blames you. You are the one who blames yourself. And not caring anymore about all of that is your way of getting past it. It's your body and minds way of putting it behind you. You tried and conquered for longer than anyone should have too. It's commendable. Take a look at the women you are now, and pat your self on the back. All this mess you dealt with over the years has made you a better stronger person. You should be very proud of that, because the women who stepped into my law offices over six years ago doesn't exist anymore. She was fantastic then, even if I wouldn't admit it, but she's fabulous now."

Alicia chuckles, "Well you're sure right about that."

"The point is you have had time to think about this, to process it, and to accept it. It's painful, but you've accepted it."

Alicia sighs, "Yes, you're right. I think I can accept that. But why can't I accept Will being gone? It's been a whole year. I told him once I thought we were keeping each other from moving on. He's still keeping me from moving on, and he isn't even here." She turns away from Diane.

"I think because you didn't have any time to prepare for that loss. A loss you didn't know would affect you so much. I can't bring him back. No one can. You feel like the only person that could get rid of this guilt, this void, is him. That is why this is so hard isn't it?

"Yes" Alicia says softly. "Part of me feels like moving on would be cheating on him. And that scares me, because he's gone. I should be able to move on, but I am afraid to love again. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. You have always been so perceptive." Alicia smiles, and then sighs.

"You don't have a psychology degree I don't know about do you?"

"No!"

"Well keep going. Let's get all of the skeletons out on the table for the second time in six months."

"Okay" Diane's a little confused, but moves on. "Other than the fact that you loved him, and never told him, and that you feel like you wasted time. You feel guilty about not fixing your relationship. And you're angry at both of you for not trying. You're not just angry at yourself your angry at him."

Alicia stands up again, pacing. "Yes, so how do I get rid of the guilt and the anger?" She pauses, "wait, what did you say?"

"Ah, that hasn't occurred to you yet has it? You're angry at him too. You were angry about the way things were, the way he treated you before he was gone. You realized that. But it didn't occur to you that you're angry at him for leaving you here all alone. And you're angry he left you in the same set of circumstances you think you left him in as he took his last breaths." She stops, and lets Alicia take this in.

_What? I'm angry at him? _Then she feels that all too familiar lump in her throat threatening to burst. She turns and looks at Diane again.

"You're right" then she puts her hand over her mouth. She laughs a bit when a few tears flow. "I am, I am angry at him." She shakes her head.

"What if you knew he forgave you? What if you knew he loved you? And what if he was the one who told you? Would that help ease the pain, or would it make it worse?"

"I don't know where this is headed, and I don't know if I want to find out. That is a lot of what ifs. I don't know. I don't know if we had mended things, if it would be easier. Maybe, but it's irrelevant." She throws her hands in the air.

"We didn't "fix" things. What I do know, is that I loved him, and as you pointed out I am angry at him. Yes, I would have done things differently. Yes, I feel guilt, and regret, and emptiness, and anger for other reasons. Guilt for not telling him the real reason I left Lockhart Gardner. Regret for not enjoying all the time I had with him, for not mending the fences. Emptiness, because… because I just plain miss him. He held a place in my heart I didn't even know existed. And so much anger. Anger at Peter for ruining everything. Anger at Jeffery Grant for killing him. For taking him away from me. Anger at myself, anger at Will. But like I said it's irrelevant. I keep having this dream of him dying. I can't get the image out of my head. The look on his face as he takes his last breaths it's so… awful. I wish I felt like he passed on with some peace, but I can't picture it. And I feel like it's my fault. But you're right. I think if I could get past the anger, it would make everything a little easier."

Diane sighs, "I have something for you."

"You have something for me?" She looks perplexed.

"Something I hope will help you move on. Something that belonged to him. It belongs to you now. And if I would have realized how much you were hurting I would have given it to you a long time ago." Diane stands up and heads to her office.

Alicia sits back on the couch trying to figure out what Diane could possibly have of Will's that she would want to give to her. _Why would she wait so long to give it to me? And how can it belong to me. It's obviously something someone gave her, it's not mine if they gave it to her. How can something material help me move on?_

Diane heads back over to the couch, but Alicia can't tell what she's holding. It's so small, it fits in her hand. She sits back down, and holds up the thumb drive.

"Here"

"What's that?"

"It's a thumb drive."

"Yes" she laughs, "I can see that, but why do I need it? And what does that have to do with Will?" She takes it from Diane's hand.

"A few weeks after he died, I had to go through his laptop, to see if there were any files the firm needed. You know before they scrubbed it clean, and gave it to someone else."

"Let me guess, someone like Louis Canning?"

"Right" Diane smiles

"I couldn't have Will's work come back to bite me. I told you how crazy things got after you left. Will was trying to sign clients left and right. He was contacting people in New York, and LA to open up offices. I had to get a better picture of where the firm stood before David, and Louis tried to kick me out, and take over. I was not going to go down without a fight." She smiles again

"No, and you didn't!"

"As I was going through things, I came across a file. It was titled Miss Georgetown." Alicia is listening intently, but is trying to figure out what this has to do with her and Will, until Diane says Miss Georgetown.

"He what?" she looks a bit shocked.

"Hear me out. I opened the file. I figured it had to have something to do with you. But since you and I were contemplating a merge, I had to know if he had planned on any more backstabbing."

"And if any of that would still come to life with him gone right?"

"Yes. That would have been a good way for him to hide it. But it was nothing of the sort. It was a journal he had kept. There were dates all the way back to 2009. The last one was entered the day before he died."

Alicia doesn't know how to process this. _Will kept a journal? About… what could it be about? He and I? He called me Miss Georgetown, just like I called him Mr. Georgetown? The day before he died? I saw him that day, it was almost a good moment. Do I want to read something he wrote so close to the end? _

"Alicia…" Alicia is brought back out of her thoughts.

"Are you okay?" Diane looks concerned.

"Yes, I just…" She looks down at the object now resting in her hands.

"Why didn't you show this to me sooner?"

"I didn't feel like there was a good time, or if there ever would be a good time. You seemed like you had moved on. I didn't think it was relevant. Until today that is. I didn't know if I would ever need to give it to you. But I think you need it."

"Did you read it?" Alicia looks a bit horrified, the thought of all the things he could have written, intimate things, between the two of them.

"Just enough to know what it was. I read the last entry. You should start with that." Diane looks a little guilty now. "It belongs to you, and no one else. But before you read it I have a few things I need to confess. Just incase he mentions them. I want you to hear it from me first, and my reasons. My side of the story."

She shakes her head, "Diane, I don't know if I can take any more Will confessions today. I'm tired, and it's getting late."

"Just hear me out. Okay? There are only two instances I feel I need to talk to you about."

"Okay"

**A/N Thank you all for your thoughts on the time line from the last chapter. I hope this chapter wasn't to dis jointed. I promise we are going to make some progress as far as Alicia goes. Thanks for reading and reviewing. It keeps me writing. **


	11. Confessions

**Chapter 11**

**Confessions**

"Am I going to have a problem being partners with you after I hear your "confessions?"

"No, I don't think so. I just think you need to know how… actually I think you need to know why a few decisions Will made were, I think, influenced by me."

"Okay then lets hear it."

"The first one has to do with the affair."

"Of course it does, why do I feel like by the end of today all of my good memories of him will have been tainted by someone in some way?"

"I hope that isn't the case. Although I have to ask, how long had you two been sleeping together before the break up? Were you sleeping with him before you and Peter separated? People suspected there was something going on from the day you started working for us. But that was just the office rumor mill running its course. I don't think many people knew, or even suspected when it was actually going on more consistently. You two even had me fooled for a few months!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I feel like we are having a very honest conversation here, and I have a few issues of my own I want put to rest. I'm asking because Will and I had more than one argument over his relationship with you. He always denied anything was going on up until Wendy started pursuing the bribery case.

"Fair enough but can I invoke the three question rule here!"

"Sure as long as you answer!"

"Okay then it happened like I said, we had a few moments, but I would never let him pursue it. I was married. We didn't get "intimate" until I separated from Peter. You and Will had arguments about me?" She shakes her head,

"Yes, just a few times when I thought his feelings for you were affecting his judgment when it came to the firm."

"He never told me about that!" she chuckles.

"Next question. Why did you separate from Peter the first time? I have always assumed that Will persuaded you to separate. That his charm finally got the better of you, and that you decided the best way to be with him without it looking bad, if it ever got out, was too separate. So am I right?"

"Ah, that was four questions!" They both laugh.

Alicia takes a deep breath, and looks down. "We separated because of Kalinda." She sighs "not just because of Kalinda, but that was the thing that pushed me over the edge."

"Kalinda? What could Kalinda have to do with you and Peter?" She stops because a memory hits her.

"That's why things got so awkward between you two."

"Yes, the night Peter was re-elected as State's Attorney I found out that he had slept with Kalinda when she had worked for him. They both say it was only one night, but one night is one night. I was so hurt. It was one thing to have my husband pay for prostitutes, it was another to find out he had slept with my best friend, one of the only ones I had during that time. My own mother didn't even come to see me during the hardest times. So that night I moved Peter out. I went and rented an apartment for him, and had all of his things moved in. He and I haven't lived under the same roof since."

"Really?" Diane shakes her head in disbelief. "And that's why you were so persistent with Patty Nyholm the next day."

"Yes, I was angry, and well tired, I'd been up all night. I had to get the frustration out somehow." She smiles.

"Yes well, I recognized that same person arguing in court this morning."

"Well if you know me, I'm easier to read than it appears. So let's hear this confession."

"No, I'm going to ask one more question first. This is very enlightening! Excuse me for being personal, but was it an easy decision to be with Will after that, or did it take time?"

"Ah, that is personal, but I don't care anymore remember! It took some time. We were all so busy the next while. My life after that consisted of making sure the kids were okay, working the crazy hours we do, and doing my best at keeping the separation from as many people as possible, especially the press." Diane nods

"But early in the spring Will and I found ourselves together at a bar in a hotel after the Judge Elerby trial." She stops, and remembers that night. She looks distant now, but continues.

"Will asked me what it would look like if we had good timing, just for an hour. I am pretty sure he knew about the separation. And I… well I was separated, and ready to do what I wanted to for a change. With the help of a little alcohol and that smile of his it didn't take much to convince me." She smiles, and shakes her head. "We went to the front desk to get a room, and of course the hotel was booked."

"You two really did always have bad timing. It's unbelievable."

"I know, the only thing they had available was the Presidential suite, which came with a pretty high price tag."

"You didn't?"

"We did! We were being spontaneous, and doing what we wanted. And, well the rest is history."

Diane smiles, but then get's that serious look on her face again.

"Alicia..."

"Diane its okay, I promise I won't hate you for whatever it is you need to say."

"I found out Will was being investigated about a week before you two split up. Wendy came to the office to talk to him, but he was in court with you on that military drone case. So she talked to me instead."

Alicia rolls her eyes. "Of all the people I have ever met, she is at the top of my "avoid at all costs list". She was really out of control when she questioned me during Will's grand jury hearing."

"She was with everyone. It was clear to me that she was going to do what ever she could to prosecute Will, even if that meant implicating me and the firm in the process. There was a reason your husband put her in charge of his team. He was going to take Will down at any cost, but make it appear as if he'd kept his hands clean. He wasn't going to lose you without a fight."

"Yes, great example of Peter screwing my life up again without me even knowing until it was too late. What does this have to do with you and I, and Will?"

"After I talked to Wendy, I talked with Will. He thought things were going away, but they were just picking up. I told him he had to break things up between you two. I pretty much threatened him. I couldn't let Wendy take the firm down. About a week later Will broke things off. I am sorry Alicia I don't think he would have done it if I hadn't said anything. I've felt guilty ever since. I was sitting in my office when you went in to talk to him. He seemed so nervous just before. He was pacing back and forth. I try not to pry, but I saw the embrace between you two. My heart almost sank then, but then I saw the look on both of your faces when you walked out of his office, and I felt so guilty. It had to done, but I felt awful. Being the referee of a firm isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Diane don't, you don't need to…" Alicia shakes her head "Will isn't the one who broke things off." Diane looks at her in disbelief.

"What?"

"I was the one who broke it off, not him." She gets quiet again. "Things had gotten so hectic, so complicated. And then Grace disappeared, it was too much. I had too much on my plate, and my relationship with Will was the thing I had to sacrifice." She turns to Diane, "I don't know if he was going to break things off that day. If he was I didn't give him the chance. So don't feel guilty about that. That was my decision."

"I don't know what to say. Although it explains why when I went in to talk to him after, and I said to him, "she'll get over it" he looked so beaten, and then said in the most depressed voice, "yep, she will" He knew you would move on, but he wouldn't. He didn't want too."

The two women sit in silence for a few moments.

"Okay, well that was a depressing walk down memory lane. What else do you have up your sleeve?"

Diane isn't sure if she wants to tell Alicia this one, but she knows she has too. So she just blurts it out.

"I am the one who told Will you were leaving the firm that morning. I found out through a client, and you had stopped decorating your new office three weeks earlier. I connected the dots, and I told Will."

_Three weeks earlier, three weeks earlier was the night Will and I kissed for the last time. _

Alicia raises her voice, "What the… Diane he probably thought the kiss we had the night of the election didn't mean anything. That I was just leading him on." She turns away from Diane.

"Maybe, I don't know. It's my fault he blew up at you, and said all of those horrible things." She keeps going she has to get this out.

"It's partly my fault your hurting so much now. I am so sorry." Alicia turns back to face her. Diane can't tell if she's is about to yell again, or cry, or just sit there in stunned silence.

"Don't say anything, let me explain. Will was upset with me. You knew that, and I was hurt, I had put so much into that firm. It was my whole life, I was loyal to Will. I wasn't going to leave him with such a mess. Alicia my emotions were all over the place that day. Curt and I had just been married an hour before I came in. I didn't want to come into work that day. I was bitter. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a vacation. But that day, of all days, I deserved off. Then not even five minutes after I got to the office you came in and looked surprised to even see me there, and said "I thought you were gone". It made me furious. After all I had done for you, for Carey, for the firm, and I felt like I was just being brushed aside. And you were going behind our backs. You were a partner you had a fiduciary responsibility to the firm. I am a rule follower Alicia, just like you. And I felt like Will deserved to know.

Alicia puts her hands over her face. She is trying to stay calm. Its anger, but mostly regret she feels. Thinking about this hits a real sore spot. "I can't…"

"Let me finish, then you can say what ever you want. I had no idea he was going to treat you so badly. I was surprised at how he lashed out at you. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to be his breaking point. He was so upset, he was losing me, and then he finds out he was losing you. It was too much for him, but I don't think he knew how else to react. After I told him, I thought he would come and discuss it with you civilly. I thought he would let you explain. I knew it wasn't going to end well, but I thought it would end with you and Cary turning in resignation letters.

You have to know that when he called for the first partner vote, I almost didn't vote with them. I knew the possible consequences if I did vote with them. The main one being that I would probably lose the judgeship. But I was still stunned at Will's behavior. I didn't really want to condone such behavior, but I realized if I didn't vote with them, and I lost the judgeship things would be ugly for me as well. And I really was upset at you and Cary." She stops for a minute. Alicia is still just staring at her.

"Then he made you walk past everyone to get to the elevator. I couldn't believe that either. That was wrong Alicia, it was spiteful, and humiliating, and he shouldn't have done it. The way you held yourself that morning was remarkable. I gained even more respect for you, even if I was upset. If I could go back to that day I would do it differently. I would have come to you myself, and hopefully we could have handled it better."

Alicia turns her head from Diane, and gets up to walk around. She is trying to process this, and how she should react. She has such horrible memories of that morning. She held it together so well for those few hours, but inside Will had crushed her, and that had turned into anger. It's hard to think about.

She stops pacing and turns back to Diane. "Diane, it's okay. You, me, Will, Cary, we were all responsible for the way things happened that day. If anyone is to blame it's me. I wanted to tell both of you sooner. But Cary and the others wanted to wait for their bonuses. I should have found the time, but honestly I was terrified. I knew the consequences of leaving. I just couldn't face it. And Will had asked me to be the new name partner with him."

"He had what?"

"I assumed you knew about that."

"No"

"Well the offer was very appealing. I hadn't given him an answer. I'm sure he just assumed I would take it. Part of me wanted to so badly. For one thing it was much easier than starting a new firm. Secondly, I had realized I had true feelings for him. But making the decision to take his offer meant I would have to change some things. It meant I would have to divorce Peter. I couldn't work next to Will everyday as his partner, and pretend we didn't have feelings for each other. To actually break off my marriage, would have been a hard decision. The more I thought about that the more complicated it got. I just… In the end I decided the best thing to do was to leave." She starts to shake her head again, and tears start forming in her eyes. "I never… If I would have stayed, the divorce would have just happened a year sooner. You would be a judge. Will and I could be together. I would have been on the Jeffery Grant case," tears start falling "Maybe the case would have gone differently. Maybe he wouldn't have shot me. I'm the one who ruined everyone's dreams."

"You didn't know Peter was going to do what he's done. And Jeffery probably would have still grabbed the gun. Your right, we, the four of us are all to blame. You did what you thought was best, I did what I thought was best. Let's just leave it at that okay."

Alicia wipes the tears away, "Okay, apology accepted, and I am sorry too."

"I know, and it's okay."

Alicia wipes at the tears. "I can't cry anymore today. I should really be going. It's late, and I don't want the snow to get worse before I get home Thank you so much Diane, for everything. For dinner, for talking, for the thumb drive. I actually feel a lot better. Like there is a light at the end of the tunnel again." She stands up and heads to grab her purse and coat. Diane stands up to follow.

"Alicia I think you should take some time off. I can't force you too. But I think it would be a good idea to take a few days. You need some rest. You need to talk to Grace, and Zach."

"I can't there's to much work to do. And there is a good chance Peter is going to be arrested tomorrow. I need to stay on top of that"

"All the more reason for you to take a break, and stay away from the firm, and press. You can work from home a few hours a day. There isn't that much that needs to be done next week as far as work goes. But what you really need to do is something for your self. Do something you enjoy. Go shopping, and don't look at the price tags. Go run. Go to the spa. I know we don't have much time to even think about what we would do if we had a spare minute, but think of something. And after you've done that, go somewhere with that thumb drive and your laptop. Somewhere quiet. If there's someplace quiet where you and he liked to be, then go there. If not stay at home. Once your there call Zach and Grace tell them not to worry if they can't get a hold of you for a day, or however long you need. Grace won't be home until Tuesday anyway. Then turn your phone off. Anything anyone might need can wait for a day. Then enjoy your time with Will. You have your memories, and now you have some of his. Take back some of that lost time, some of those lost moments. Feel what you wanted to feel, but were to scared too. Live in those moments again, this time without worry, and without guilt. Say what you always wanted to say to him. My guess is he said a lot of things he wanted to say to you in those files. Let it be the two of you without all the distractions. Make those memories what they should have been. Do that and I think you'll be able to move on. Like I said earlier you don't have to forget him. You just need to feel some peace and comfort when you think about him instead of guilt and regret."

"But what if there are things in there, that…"

"There probably are going to be some things in there that are hard to swallow. But that's how all relationships are. And don't you think you'll feel better knowing exactly what he was thinking, instead of guessing?" Alicia sighs she knows Diane's right.

Diane walks over to the door. "Alicia, you know you can count on Cary and I. And there are other people who care about you too. You won't be doing this alone this time. We will help you through this. You just have to let us. And remember I read the last entry. It will be okay." She smiles, "Everything will be okay."

Alicia pulls on her coat. "Why don't you just tell me what the last entry says?"

"Because you need to hear it from him."

Alicia just nods her head. Diane opens the door, and she leaves. As she drives home she's trying to concentrate on the road, but so much is running through her mind.

_Diane's right. I need a break. I'm so tired, and I have had this headache all day that just won't go away. But what about Peter? The press will be all over. "all the more reason for a break, to stay away from the firm". The press here we go again. How will Zach and Grace handle this? I'm so sorry kids. You didn't ask for any of this. Neither did I. "you won't be doing this alone this time" she's such a good friend. I still feel so empty. I just want to stop thinking for awhile. A journal? Wow that seems so unlike him. "Someplace quiet where you and he liked to be". His apartment? That won't work. That restaurant across town? Quiet but too public. The park near his apartment? Too cold. My apartment? No, too many memories of other people there. In his arms… impossible. _

She parks her car, and heads up the elevator. _I'll sleep on it, decide tomorrow. _

She walks in, puts her bag and keys down, and heads straight to the bedroom. She's curious as to what is on the thumb drive. But she's so tired, and really doesn't want to cry anymore today. Today was too long, too hard, too hurtful just like last year. But as she climbs into bed, and starts to drift off to sleep she feels peace just knowing that now she has a part of him that she can keep forever. Then her eyes close, and she falls into a deep sleep. Sleep she hasn't had since that last kiss.

**A/N Thank you all for the nice reviews. A special thanks to guategal! So when I started writing this I was planning on ending it in one more chapter. But after writing I want to pursue more than just one of Will's journal entries. And I thought of the perfect place for Alicia to go, I think so anyway! It's not Georgetown if that's what some of you are thinking. Anyway, any suggestions on writing Will would be appreciated. I'm not sure I've channeled him like I feel I've channeled Alicia. **


	12. Closing Argument

**A/N Well, here you go. The first look at what's on that thumb drive. I'll warn you now, I cried writing it, so you may want to get out those tissues. This is a whole lot of mush. I hope it's not to over the top as far as mushy goes. In fact listen to your favorite Willicia song while you read. Then get ready to see what the other journal entries say. This story could go on for a long time! Thanks for all you fabulous reviewers. I really appreciate any input I can get. **

**Chapter 12**

**Closing Argument **

As she begins to wake from her sleep the next morning she feels like she's slept the sleep of the dead. She doesn't think she moved the entire night. It seems every muscle in her body has relaxed. She's warm, and feels safe. As she opens her eyes sunlight is filtering through the windows. It's beautiful outside. Everything has been covered with a fresh blanket of snow. She turns to look at the clock on the side table it reads, 10:00 am. She can't believe she's slept so long. She feels rested for the first time in, well she can't remember the last time she's felt rested. The headache's gone, but now her neck hurts. Chalking the pain up to sleeping in the same position for hours she gets out of bed, and heads to the kitchen to make some coffee. As she's drinking she looks out the window at the fallen snow, and notices how it glistens in the sunlight on the tree branches. She remembers waking up to a view like this a few years earlier.

"_Good morning" His dark eyes gazing into hers._

"_Good morning to you! What are you doing?"_

"_I'm watching the sunlight reflect off your perfect skin! It snowed last night, the extra light makes your skin sparkle. So I was watching you sleep, and loving every minute of it. You are beautiful all the time, but it's different when you're sleeping. It's peaceful just like the snow."_

"_Just how long have you been awake and "watching" me for Gardner?" _

"_Long enough to burn this image of you into my mind forever." He smiles at her like no other person on earth can. "I also got some coffee started, and came back to bed before the sheets got cold! It's freezing right now. You should turn up the heat!"_

"_Oh, I can turn the heat up!" She leans over and kisses him passionately." _

_Awhile later they are laying next to each other her head on his chest." Let's just lay here forever, just like this." He says. "We can't" she sighs "How about just for today?" They just stay there enjoying the closeness, not saying anything. Once they finally pull themselves out of bed they head to the kitchen. Alicia fills the mugs. They stand next to each other gazing out the window at the new fallen snow. One of his arms is wrapped around her waist, coffee mug in the other._

"_It's beautiful isn't it?' She says "Yes, it is." He puts him mug down, and wraps his other arm around her embracing her with his whole body. She loves the way he can wrap her up, and make her feel safe. He leans in and whispers in her ear. "You are beautiful, and I wish we could wake up like this every morning." _

She remembers how peaceful and comforting that morning was with his arms wrapped around her. She gazes out the window for a few more minutes. Then it hits her. She knows the perfect place to go to read that thumb drive. "Don't worry about the price tags" Diane had said the night before. She smiles and then gets ready. She just hopes this will work. That she can actually make this work.

She turns on the television in her room. She needs to know if she should be expecting the press to be camped outside her building at any moment. But all is quiet on that front. She breathes a sigh of relief. She gets dressed, and packs an overnight bag. As she looks in the mirror while putting on her makeup she notices the tired eyes, but there is a sparkle in them today that hasn't been there for a long time. She smiles, and then gets out her phone to call Grace and Zach.

The call takes awhile. She has to briefly explain the situation their father has gotten into. They have so many questions. They are so hurt, but she can't do anything until they come home. "It's better for you to be away the next few days anyway with the press." She tells them. She is so glad they have each other. Zach has spring break next week so he will fly home with Grace on Tuesday. Then she can hold them, and do all the comforting and explaining they may need. She doesn't mention the new sibling they are going to have in a few months. That could wait until they are home. She tells them not to worry, and how much she loves them. Once she is off the phone she grabs her things, and heads out the door.

As she drives she finds herself getting excited, but nervous. It will be good she thinks to see what he wrote about her. She can't imagine the entries will be long, or that there will be many of them. _It's just so unlike him._ She thinks. She still can't believe he even kept a journal. As she pulls up to her destination she decides to have the valet park the car. As she walks into the building, she is overcome with emotion. She hasn't been here for nearly four years. This was the place where things changed for them. It was the place that sent their life trajectory at the time into a completely different direction. She smiles to herself as she walks towards the reception desk. The same gentleman, who sat at that piano four years ago, is the same one sitting there now.

_What are the odds of that? _She thinks to herself. _One in a million I bet. _

She walks up to the hotel clerk, and asks,

"Is the Presidential Suite available for tonight?"

"Um, yes" The clerk looks a bit surprised. "Did you want to reserve it for the night?"

"Yes"

"Okay, that will be seventy eight hundred for a one night stay."

_I'm lucky the cost hasn't risen over the years. _She thinks to herself, as she hands the women her credit card.

"How many room keys will you be needing?"

"Just one"

The clerk runs her card, and then hands it and the room key to her.

"Thank you"

"Enjoy your stay, and please let us know if there is anything you need."

She turns and walks to the elevators. As she steps inside she starts to remember how that night had begun in this elevator.

_I was so nervous. I couldn't believe what I was about to do. But he was wonderful. So gentle so subtle. We finally had good timing. Then that first kiss. It was unbelievable. It was as if our lips had never touched before, and once we did we couldn't get enough of it. _

As she steps off the elevator and walks down the hall to the room she wishes he were there with her again. When she gets to the door, she smiles and shakes her head.

_He was so excited, he couldn't get the room key in the right direction._

Then she opens the door and steps inside. She is struck by how light it is. The floor to ceiling windows let in the sunlight, making the dark wood floors, the plush rugs, and rich fabrics, in creams, and muted blues look incredible against the skyline. It's modern, but traditional. She never saw it full daylight. She had to leave before the sun rose that morning. The view outside was just as breathtaking as she remembered it. She'd forgotten how large it was, at least the size of her apartment. Full living and dining room, small kitchen and study area. She turns and walks down the short hall. A smaller second bedroom. Then she walks into the larger bedroom. King size bed, with the softest bed linens she'd ever felt. A plush chaise in the corner overlooking the city. She sits on the bed for a few minutes, and remembers that night. How perfect it was. She can almost feel him next to her. Tears start to fall.

_I miss you so much Will. So so much… Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The memories are so vivid here. _A few minutes later she wipes away the tears and goes back out to the living room. She decides she will sit on the big comfy couch with the chaise to start off. She takes off her shoes, gets a drink ready, and pulls out her laptop. She puts the thumb drive in, and pulls up the file.

She hesitates for a minute before clicking the file open. This is just like opening that last voicemail. _Well here goes nothing. _As the file opens she is surprised at how many entries there are, dozens and dozens just like Diane had said dated all the way back to 2009.

"_Read the last entry first" Diane had said "Because you need to hear it from him" Do I really want to know what some of his last thoughts of me were before I read the rest? Do I want to know if this story ends happily? Isn't that cheating? It's like reading the last chapter in a book after reading the first just so you'll know how it ends. Logic gets put aside this time. I'm starting with the end. Please let this be good, please don't let this break my heart anymore. _

_March 5, 2014_

_I saw you today. You showed up in court. Up to your old tricks. Do you have to look so good all the time? It's such a distraction, and I was pissed when I saw you. All I could think was why would you come and distract me in the middle of "my" trial. I've tried for so many months now to put you out of my mind, to forget all of the memories. I've tried to forget how you smell, forget how you taste, and forget how you feel next to me. But it's so hard. You left a scar on me that will never completely go away. _

She pauses, and looks up from the laptop. _This is not off to a good start. _She takes a sip of her wine, and continues reading.

_Then the judge called for a recess. I was ready to turn around and yell at you right there in court, but as I turned you were walking out the door. So I followed. I had to know why you'd come. Once again I am caught chasing after you. Something I vowed months ago I wasn't going to do again, ever. So I walk out, and ask you what's going on. You tell me my client's parents have called you for a second opinion. That upset me, another client you potentially poached. But here you are looking as beautiful as ever, and to top it off you tell me that you just thought I should know about the client's parents. I'm caught off guard. You're playing fair. All of a sudden after months you decide to play fair. Then before I have time to respond, because I'm trying to process this fair Alicia, you turn and start to walk away. And before I know what I'm doing I'm calling your name, your name, the one word that will always roll off my tongue before I have time think. I wanted to say more, but all that came out was Thanks. You weren't expecting more. You probably weren't expecting anything. Then you go and say I'm the better lawyer, which is correct! But that was a compliment. Fairness, and compliments all in a matter of a minute. Then we're laughing together. We haven't done that since before… Then just as quickly as the conversation started it ended, and you turned and walked away. I watched you for as long as I could, just like I used too. I was mad at myself for letting you do that to me again. But then I realized not only do I not hate you anymore, but I'm starting to like you again. I told you a few weeks ago I didn't like you, but as I stood there I thought I could like you again. It was infuriating._

_I don't know. Sometimes I get a feeling. A premonition just before something is going to happen. Today after I talked to you I got that feeling again. That unsettling gut feeling that something is going to change. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Once again I was thinking about you all day long. But as the day went on I started to figure out what that unsettling feeling was. And as I had drinks with Kalinda tonight I figured it out, it became clear. It's the clearest thing I've thought in months. _

_You want to know what that clarity was? It's that I think I finally forgive you. But what's even more clear is that I love you Alicia. I have loved you for more than half my life, and I will love you til the end of time. I've tried not loving you. Twice I tried, once after Georgetown, and again a few months ago. But I can't not love you. It's not in my makeup._

She stops reading. The tears had already started falling again. She wraps her arms around herself she needs someone to hold, but there isn't anyone there. _You forgive me? _She cries even harder the relief she feels right now is overwhelming. _I've lived with that guilt for so long. I'm so sorry Will, I am so sorry I never told you the reason why. I love you too. I love you so much. _This takes a few minutes to sink in, and recover from. Then she is able to continue.

_I realized tonight that your brother was right._

_My brother was right? Owen? Right about what? I will have to ask him about that. _

_And for that I am sorry. I am so sorry for the way I treated you that last day. I vowed years ago that I would never hurt you. That I would never be the cause of the hurt in your eyes. But that day I was. You really hurt me that day. I'd asked you to take Diane's place, and I thought that would be enough. That we could work through all the other mess if you just accepted my offer. I wish I could take all of things I said to you, did to you back. But I can't. All I can do now is apologize, and hope you'll accept. I didn't want to accept that your reason for leaving was because of me. That the reason you left was because you loved me. And I realize now that you didn't know what else to do. See the problem is you love me just as much as I love you. My guess is you've loved me just as long, and that scares you. It probably terrifies you. But you're a believer in marriage, you want to do what you think is right even if it hurts. You probably do love Peter, but you love me more. And when you realized that the night before the election after we kissed, that hit a place in your soul you didn't know was there. I get that. I have the same place in my soul for you. We are soulmates Alicia. A soulmate isn't just something that's made up. I looked it up on Wikipedia tonight. I had to make sure the evidence was there.. It says a __soulmate__ is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity. That is what you and I have. That's what we've always had. It was never just friendship, never just that thing. We've been soulmates from the day we met. There is a great quote from the writer Richard Bach. He said, "A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are." You and I, we are the keys to each others locks. Having a soulmate Alicia it's different from having a partner like you have in Peter. It's deeper the two can be the same, but it's not in our case. We are the soulmates, not you and Peter.A soulmate makes you feel different. It's a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion that no words can express. That's you and I. We belong together. We've always belonged together. I know you love Zach, and Grace, I would never do anything to change that part of your life. The little amount of time I've spent with them I know how great they are. That's all your doing. But you should have given birth to our children. I should have been the one there in the delivery room with you. I'm the one that should have asked you to marry me all those years ago. But I wasn't ready to settle down. _

This is unbearable, it lifts her up, and breaks her heart all at the same time. _I was right he did want a family._ _Our family. His and mine. I can't believe how raw and honest this is._ The tears just keep flowing.

_But you know what? It's okay. We can't change our past. We can't change the way things went. What we can do, what I can do, is mold our future into something better. You make me a better person. And that's what I'm going to do, make a better future, be a better person. That's my plan. You told me four years ago you needed a plan, well I am not going to let another day pass without you knowing everything. Tomorrow I am calling you, and we are going to meet somewhere. Not the next day, not in a few weeks when things calm down, but tomorrow. We are going to have the talk we should have had years ago._

Now she really can't take this, she can't breathe now. _His last call… He was going to… That call would have changed our whole lives. One more day, we just needed one more day. _She gets up, and walks to the window she's looking for something, but isn't finding it. So she just stares blankly. _Just one more day… _ After quite a bit of time has passed, and she comes out of her daze, she sits back down.

_Tomorrow come hell or high water we are going to talk, and I'm not going to let you say no. I'm not going to let you pretend it doesn't matter. I'm not going to let you use marriage as an excuse. I'm done pretending I don't love you, and done letting you push it aside. I'm done watching Peter hurt you. I am going to do what ever it takes to never let you be hurt by him again. You may not know, but I always knew, I could always tell when he'd done something to hurt you. Your eyes were always telling. I never even had to ask. I would have done anything to make it all okay you know. I wanted too. It hurts me so much to see you hurt. But not anymore. I'm not going to miss another moment without you. I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I don't care how long it takes tomorrow to convince you to be with me, but today is the last day I am spending without you. _

_Tomorrow you're going to let me tell you just how beautiful you really are. How you make my heart skip a beat every time I see you, or hear your voice. How good you are at your job. I'm going to tell you how much I love your strength, and tenacity. How much I love it when you're passionate about something, the sparkle in your eyes, and the determination it's amazing. How much I love that you love others so much, that it's meant putting them first for years, and putting some of your dreams and desires on hold. That wasn't wrong, it's helped make you who you are._

_I'm going to tell you how much I want to be with you, only you. Right now I'm vowing to love you forever. I will never hurt you again, I promise. _

_You once told me it would just be life if it had been you and me. But you know what? That life looks good, and fulfilling, because it will be ours, and it will be the best thing in the world. A day to day life with you will be just that "a life". Through good times, and bad we will have each other. And that's all that matters, nothing else matters. Not anymore. _

_So there it is my closing argument. Once a lawyer always a lawyer I guess. Tomorrow I start my fight for you, and I'm not giving up this time. I love you too much to give up. And if for some reason in the end this doesn't work. At least you'll know that you'll always be loved by me. That I will always be thinking about you, and holding a place for you in my heart. _

She looks up after reading those last lines, and for the first time in years she feels complete, and loved. And if she doesn't gain anything else from this excursion she knows she'll have that to hold onto. She'll have that to keep her going every day.


	13. The Beginning

**Chapter 13**

**The Beginning**

She sits, just sits in the stillness and quiet of the room, breathing deeply taking in how much at peace she feels. It feels good. She feels like she hasn't breathed for a year now, it's as if she'd been holding her breath, suffocating for months, and she hadn't even realized it. But now she's starting to breathe again. Not completely but it's getting easier. .

_I wish we would have had that conversation. I should have let you in a long, long time ago. But Will, I was scared. You were right, I was terrified. I was worried about all the consequences to everything if I chose you. I loved Peter. We were making it work again. I thought anyway. And I was not about to put Zach and Grace through a divorce if it wasn't necessary. But the way things were after he and I separated the first time. Things never went back… It was never a real marriage again. We were practically living like a divorced couple anyway. We just didn't have the piece of paper to show for it. _

_So I would have loved to have had that conversation with you. It would have been good, and honest. No more skirting around the subject. That would have been a very exceptional moment, hours I would imagine. I'm just so relieved to know you died with some sort of reconciliation and that you didn't die hating me. That in fact you loved me again. I loved you so much, and I'm sorry it took you dying to make realize how much. You gone, it stopped me from running from my true feelings. It's time to stop running. I wish you were here to be by my side through all of this. _

She scrolls through all the files and opens 2009.

**August 5, 2009**

I can't believe who I ran into today. Alicia Florick, Leesh, it's been fifteen years since I set eyes on her. I ran all those years ago. It was too hard and painful to watch the women, the only women I have ever really loved step into a life that wasn't going to involve me.

Today I was headed to some depositions across the loop. I thought I recognized her, but brushed it off at first. I couldn't figure why she would be in the building anyway. But then I just had to know. My heart started beating so fast I had to follow. Crazy how after all these years she could still have the same affect on me.. I haven't felt that rush for so long. But then it hit me like a flood, I started running towards the elevators. I almost missed her. I had to stop the door from closing. But there she was Leesh, standing three feet in front of me after fifteen years, and all the memories came rushing back like a ton of bricks.

Alicia shakes her head. _ They did for me too. What were the chances of us meeting that day? Seeing you saved my life, literally. I didn't even know how much it would save me. There were never truer words than "things always happen for a reason" than there were that day. _

I didn't know what to say. I just said hey. She looked a little surprised, taken off guard. We only talked briefly. She just landed a new job. Good for her, after all that schmuck of a husband has probably put her through the past four months, cheating on her. Why would you ever want to cheat when you have someone who looks and is as fantastic as she is? I will never understand.

She seemed impressed that I was a name partner now! It was a good minute, but then I had to go, do work. I told her I was sorry for all her husband had put her through, and told her to call me sometime. She probably won't.

I was supposed to go out tonight. But I cancelled. All I could think about the rest of the day was her. I barely got through work. Diane even asked what was wrong. For her to say something, it must have been pretty obvious I was distracted. I just can't believe Alicia could still have such an affect on me after all these years.

Clearly I never really got over her, because here I am sitting in my apartment surrounded by all my old things from Georgetown. I haven't looked at this stuff since I boxed it up after graduation. Yet today after seeing her I wanted too see it again. The papers, the journal I kept, the memories, the photos. There are so many photos. She insisted on taking them all the time.

_He's right, I did insist! But the journal he kept at Georgetown? What?_

The journal, I don't even keep a journal, but I did then when I was with her, and apparently I am going to once again. At least for tonight. But writing has always been my only way of telling her everything I wanted too. She never let me tell her everything. I wrote the whole Georgetown journal like I was having a conversation with her. It was the only way I could get everything off my chest.

_That's clearly the method he went back too. I didn't know you didn't tell me everything at Georgetown. You should have said more back then. You should have insisted on saying more the past few years. Always worried about my feelings, and never your own.. _She clicks on the next entry.

**August 6, 2009**

She called today. I can't believe it. She's coming in to the office Monday to chat! I can't get her out of my mind. I was way off my game today. I'll have to rectify that tomorrow in court. The affect this woman has on me is, there aren't even words. There have never been words to describe it. It's as if time stands still. I can't control it. I don't like not having control over my emotions. But with her I don't. It's a constant flow of emotions, happy, sad, bliss, desire, and elation. I can't believe I let her open this up in me again. I only saw her for one minute, and we only talked on the phone for five. But seeing her in person, talking to her, it's different from seeing her on the television screen or on the front page of the newspaper. It was tangible, too tangible. I never should have let you go Leesh.

She stops reading for a minute. _I can't believe you were thinking this way right from the beginning. All I could think about was that I needed a job. I wanted to catch up with you, but I really needed a job. We both have regrets. Everybody does. _

**August 10, 2009**

I hired her today. Alicia. Turns out the firm she thought she was going to work for only wanted her as a paralegal. Their loss. When she showed up to talk she looked amazing. It was hard to not just stare at her. We chatted for awhile, it was good to get caught up. I couldn't resist asking her if she wanted to work for us after hearing about her other job. Truth is I really wanted her to work for us, if she is anything like she used to be, she will be a real asset to the firm. The side benefit for me will be seeing her everyday!

We were holding interviews today to hire a new associate. Talk about good timing. She interviewed really well. It came down to her and another young lawyer just out of law school. Diane favored him, I favored Alicia. I wasn't backing down on this one. Diane was not to keen on hiring someone with the last name of Florick. She even asked me if I had been involved with her. I didn't answer! I just told her Alicia was a friend, and the smartest person in our class. She wanted more than that. She argued that Alicia hadn't been in the work force for thirteen years. That family, and her husband would get in the way. That she would come in with an entitled attitude. I came back full force. I gave her examples from Georgetown, I had Kalinda dig up some info on her past job. Some of it I buried, and the rest I gave to Diane.

_What information could you have needed to bury? Add that to the list of things to ask Kalinda about. I better start making a list of all the people I need to ask questions off. _

I also told Diane that the Alicia I knew stood on her own two feet, would hold her ground, and position on things. I told her that Alicia was smart, and I doubted she had let her intelligence slip while out of the workforce. I told her it wouldn't take long for Alicia to get right back into things. As far as being entitled, she may be, but I told Diane Alicia would never play that card. She's too good a person, always thinking of others before herself.

_Yes that was part of our problem Will, we always did think about others before us. That wasn't bad, it wasn't wrong, it makes us good people. I do care about everyone. I always will. We just should have compared notes on caring about each other. _

Something I said must have convinced Diane, because we hired both, with the thought that in six months we will let one go. It won't be Alicia. I won't let it be.

_That was a close one, a real close one._

The smile on her face when I told her she was hired that was priceless. I've seen that smile before. That's the smile you only get when she is truly happy about something. Hopefully she'll have more good days than bad now. I know I shouldn't be so excited about this, but we were such good friends. She is married after all. She probably doesn't even think about us anymore. I am going to have to play this close to the vest. Alicia back in my life, everyday, things are looking up.

_That seems like a lifetime ago. I was so nervous. I was really terrified of Diane. All I could think about those first few weeks was making sure I didn't screw up to badly. And you, you were thinking about me. Yes, thinking about you would have been much more pleasant. _

**August 17, 2009**

You freaked Diane out today. I can't stop laughing. You came up with some new evidence she didn't find for a client. You are doing the retrial. She handed it off to you because I'm sure she thought it would be a really easy open and close case, not even go to trial. But here you are doing exactly what I expected, putting your all into it. Diane is trying to hold her ground, trying to be tough. She chewed you out, but you stood your ground, you took your tongue lashing well. I've seen Diane do that to other women, and they leave in tears. Not you, you stood by your work, and apologized. Although I didn't think you needed to. Way to play Diane! You are going to keep her on her toes. It's so funny! I love Diane, but this is going to be great to watch. I see a little competition for Diane in her future.

She rolls her eyes, and shakes her head smiling.

_She did give me a tongue lashing! I wanted to crawl under a rock. I was so embarrassed. Glad to know you got such a kick out of it. _

**August 22, 2009**

I went to hit some balls today. I had to do something to get you out of my head. It didn't work. I didn't know how hard this would be emotionally for me to see you nearly everyday. It's up and down all the time. Today is Saturday. I woke up and just stayed in bed. I stayed there thinking about you. Thinking about how we used to be. I love to see you everyday. Thinking about what a wonderful woman you have become. I guess we all matured, but you make me feel like an adult, a real grownup. It's silly I know, but adulthood has finally hit, and I didn't even know it hadn't until you walked back into my life a few weeks ago.

Periodically now I find myself in a daze. It usually happens when I've seen you. I just get stuck. All the memories keep flooding in. I love walking past you. The Alicia fragrant, it's something else, intoxicating. I have got to get this under control. You and everyone else are going to start noticing, and all of this for what? You are married, someone else already won the prize. Pull it together Will.

**A/N Well what do you all think? How much of this journal do all of you want? I really appreciate those of you who have stuck around for this! And welcome to****my new followers! **


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